But apparently, it’s a really, really big deal. My dad has never hurt me this bad before. I really thought he was going to kill me. He’s always in a bad mood enough as it is when this time of year comes around.

I shake my head. I don’t want to think about that. I don’t want to remember what happened on my birthday, none of it. Eva once told me if you shake your head after waking up from a bad dream, it will go away when you close your eyes again. I don’t know if it works when you’re awake but it’s worth a shot. Anything to forget. So I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head—

The door creaks open.

I freeze.

My heart feels ready to burst out of my ears, it’s pounding so hard.

Heavy, scraping footsteps draw near—

“She’s gone.” He pauses, before adding stiffly, “You did good.”

My chest rises with a trapped breath. Relief and something else, something strange and unfamiliar, have hot tears forming along the edges of my vision. I don’t dare let them fall.

I know it’s not normal, not right, how my dad treats me. I shouldn’t have to work this hard to make him happy. Proud. But I also get it. If I loved someone like he loved my mom, and that person died, and I was stuck with the reason they died...well, I wouldn’t be too happy either.

I’d hate me too.

“You’re grounded for the summer. Once school finishes up, you won’t leave this house. We will never speak of this again.”

I suck in my cheeks, biting down the flesh until I taste blood.

Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t—

A heavy hand grips my neck, hot and sweaty. I smell the pungent scent of whiskey. He must have had a drink before coming up here. After the lady left.

“You will never talk to that boy again. You hear me?” he says in a low growl. “I won’t have no fucking faggot boy livin’ under my roof. Your momma didn’t die so you could be a little cocksucker. She’d be disgusted. Remember that next time you get any stupid ideas.”

I give a jerky nod. I whisper, “Y-yes, sir. I d-didn’t know. S-sorry—”

“Your little boyfriend,” he all but spits, “is the reason you almost got taken away today. I have half a mind to go over there and teach him a lesson myself.”

I whimper and his hand tightens.

“I don’t know what you told him—”

“N-nothing!” I rush out. “I told him it was B-Billy. I s-swear, Dad, I—”

“Enough,” he snaps.