I shake my head. “No, it’s not. I mean, who in their right mind gets their kicks off coming to a place like this?” I say, gesturing to the open air in front of me. “Hell, Mason hasn’t even stepped a foot up here since we were sixteen. Couldn’t even bring himself to look down the few times we managed to convince him to join us,” I say as I trail my eyes over the empty road twisting under us, hundreds of feet below.

“Sounds more like a fear of heights than anything supernatural.”

I nod slowly. “Yeah, that’s what Izzy said.”

I can feel the weight of Will’s hesitation hovering between us.

“It’s okay,” I tell him, leveling him a pointed look. “I’m not Mason. You can talk about her with me.”

He doesn’t look convinced.

“I’m not Mason,” I repeat meaningfully.

“No,” he agrees slowly, “but you lost her too. You’re allowed to—”

“Don’t tell me what I’m allowed!” I snap. “It’s different. You know it’s different.” I ground my molars. “And don’t you fucking dare try to tell me it shouldn’t be a contest. Yeah, I lost her too, but it’s not the same. She was just a friend,” I choke out, feeling the lie rot its way through me.

Because the truth is? She wasn’t just anything. She was one of my best fucking friends—the first friend I ever had. The best, purest person I knew. She was everything good about me. Mason. The three of us.

But I don’t tell him that. I can’t.

I can’t talk about the frizzy-haired girl I knew since I was in diapers. The girl who opened my eyes to make-believe lands where monsters could be slayed, and dreams could be reached with the flick of a hand. The girl who would one day introduce me to the boy standing in front of me who made me believe just for a second that happily-ever-afters could be found outside of books. This boy who’s now nearly a man, and represents everything I never wanted to face.

I can’t tell him, especially him, that sometimes it feels like I’m barely hanging on to this stupid, fucking life because I don’t know how to live in a world without her. How do I tell him that? How does anyone admit that without splintering right down the middle?

“Mason lost the love of his life, Will,” I finally manage. “And as much as I’d like to say that doesn’t mean anything, it means everything.”