To get lost.

I log onto Tumblr and search for Willow’s new username that she changed from willowbadaboom33 and gave me ten minutes ago.

vegablaze33

It slightly matches mine. Vega is a character from Street Fighter. She told me that she usually dresses up as Vega for Halloween, so it has sentimental meaning.

What’s terrible—what makes me hate myself more than she could even understand, more than she could know—is that I’m not even sure I would’ve befriended her if she came to Philly last year.

My group of friends—we’d been pretty tight since grade school. It would’ve been too hard to break away from that security. It’s such bullshit.

I’m bullshit.

Because I already like her more than any shit friend I’ve ever had.

She dressed up as Vega, for Christ’s sake.

I laugh and I smile. Just trying to picture it. I wish I’d been there. Right beside her, for every Halloween she had the balls to wear that costume. And I don’t mean literal balls, but Vega is a dude.

What’s worse: I think I’d return to my friends if it would be like it was. When I lost some of them to juvie and when the rest of my friends turned their backs on me, I lost people.

Not happiness. Just people. And that’s what fucking hurts the most.

I’m not used to being alone. Having people near me, returning to what was, sounds comfortable and easier. Even if I wasn’t really happy.

Willow’s still a mystery to me. She’s shy but brazen enough to enter a party where she knows absolutely no one, all to find her cousin. I can’t even be without people that I don’t really like and who don’t really like me, and she could do that.

And she’s wary of touch.

But she let me touch her.

I might be bad for Willow. I’ve been bad for everyone at some point, but I selfishly need something that will keep me riding down this road. I’m scared that Superheroes & Scones won’t be enough over time, and I’ll find a way to turn back around.

To return to people I’ve known practically all my life. To people who will never make me happy.

I’m just terrified. Of every single option in front of me. Even the good ones. Even the horrible ones.

To distract myself, I stick to Tumblr. Something I actually like. I scroll through her archive and find the questionnaire easily this time.

Here it goes.

What was your…

Last drink: Fizz Life

Last phone call: umm, my Grandma Ida. She wanted to crochet me a scarf for next winter and needed to know what color yarn. I told her blue.

Last text message: “I bought it! I bought it!” to Maggie, in relation to Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud—I’ve been saving up babysitting money to purchase the comic book. I read ANYTHING that Loren Hale recommends (my comic book guru), and he suggested this one not long ago on social media.