We get off near Primrose Hill and meander back across the park, stopping to pick up sandwiches, which we eat, sitting on the grass, legs crossed, facing each other. The sun is still bursting out of the sky. It’s the perfect day for a wedding, I think. Alex is quiet. I wonder if he’s thinking the same thing. I lie back on the grass, looking up at the sky, soaking up the heat.

He lies down beside me, so close I can feel the fizz of my skin prickling at his proximity. My heart hasn’t got the there’s nothing going on memo and is currently banging very loudly in my ears.

‘Weird, isn’t it?’ he says, still looking at the sky. He shades his eyes against the sun.

‘What?’

He reaches out, so the side of his arm just brushes against mine. I feel a whole rainbow of butterflies burst into life in my stomach.

‘What might have been. Near misses.’

I think he’s talking about the wedding. He’s definitely talking about the wedding. Isn’t he?

I lie there, keeping very still.

And then he reaches out, and for a second his little finger touches mine. I can’t work out if it’s an accident or not. I don’t pull my hand away. I just lie there, looking up at the clouds, wondering how the tiniest bit of physical contact can leave me feeling like someone shot a bolt of electricity from my head to my feet. I’m fizzing like I’d glow in the dark.

Chapter Twenty-Two: Alex

Chapter Twenty-Two

Alex

8th June

What the hell am I doing?

We walk back to Albany Road together in what I hope is a friendly sort of silence.

All I did is reach out and touch her finger, for God’s sake. The voice in my head comes back with a fairly reasonable counter-argument.

You’re single for a reason. You’re not getting caught up in anything with Emma for a reason.

Two different reasons, I argue with myself.

It’s surprisingly hard to conduct a balanced and reasonable argument with your own inner voice. The truth is I really like Jess. Like her enough that I’m not going to screw up a friendship, and enough that I’m not getting myself caught up in a relationship when I’ve got enough going on with work and study right now, and after what happened with Alice – well, I promised myself I wouldn’t even go there until I finished my nursing course.

It’s not the same with Emma, my unhelpful inner voice says.

Hang on, I think. Weren’t you on the other side a minute ago?

It’s complicated, says the inner voice.

I groan out loud.

‘You okay?’ Jess’s voice makes me start. I’d half-forgotten she was there.

‘Yeah, just thinking about work stuff.’