“What stuff? What do you mean, you go over there after I go to bed?” My mind races, trying to think of how this might have happened without me noticing.

Another shrug. “Moving some furniture. Ripping up the carpet. Stuff like that. Since Dad’s been home so much, you’ve been going to bed early, and he hangs out in his office. I went out one night to check out the meteor shower, and Christian was checking it out too. So we hung out a little bit. He knows a lot about constellations and shi—stuff.”

I have been putting myself to bed earlier than usual, but learning my son has been leaving the house after dark without my knowing about it is unsettling. Guilt slashes through me. Mom being unconscious while he does whatever he does is probably quite familiar to Eli, even if it hasn’t been like that in years.

“I don’t want you leaving the house at night without letting me know, Eli. What if something happened to you?”

“Nothing’s going to happen to me in the carriage house,” he scoffs. “It’s right in our backyard. And Christian’s cool. He said he’ll teach me how to lay flooring and stuff like that. He’s really fixing it up. You should see it.”

“I’ll have to go check it out,” I say lightly, although I’ve already seen it. His enthusiasm is so fresh, how can I dampen it? “Hey, are you sure you don’t want to stay home from school tomorrow? I can write you a note. They’ll have to let you make up the test.”

He shakes his hair out of his eyes. “Are you going to services?”

“Only online.”

“Are they doing Tashlich at the river?”

I pause. “I think so. They usually do.”

When Eli was a toddler, I’d taken him to the service every year. The tradition of casting away sins by tossing bread into a body of moving water had been meaningful and kid-friendly. We hadn’t gone since he was six.

“Could we go to that? It would be after school, so I wouldn’t have to miss my test.”

“We could,” I say cautiously. “Are you sure you want to? It’s …”

I can’t bring myself to say aloud what it is. We both know. Eli nods.

“Christian says that if you want to get anywhere in life, you have to face the things that scare you.”

A sudden rush of tears blurs my vision. I blink them away rapidly, hoping they don’t spill out. I sit up straight and take a breath to keep my voice from shaking.

“That sounds like good advice. Why were you talking about things that scare you?”

Eli’s smile is small, his expression thoughtful. “He asked me about who I hang out with at school and stuff. What kind of kids I knew, what they’re into. What I’m into. I told him the truth. I don’t really have any friends. And he asked me why.”

“What did you tell him?”