He’s left nothing. I search every drawer, every shelf. The fridge, the freezer, the inside of the washer and dryer, inside the toilet tank. Nothing. The more I search, the uglier and more ruined the carriage house looks. The small improvements he did make only make the rest of it look even worse. I wanted him gone, but now that he is, I am desperate to have him back.

I don’t feel the same way about Ken.

My heart breaks for the parents of the children he abducted and killed. I don’t need proof from any detectives that he did it. I would never have guessed he would do anything like that, but now, without question, I know he did.

My relationship with God is not transactional. No “If I do X, will you give me Y?” Jews don’t kneel to pray, but my legs are giving out under me, and I end up on my knees anyway. The bare concrete is chilly and rough against my skin. I don’t pray. I think.

The need to get high doesn’t fade away. That’s not how it works. I shove it away, though. Hard. I take a few deep breaths and fight the urge. I need to focus, now. I still have a son to protect and provide for.

I can do this. I got a job, and if I need to, I can get another one. I can get my hustle on. I can do whatever I have to in order to make it work. I know what I’m capable of, and it’s a lot. I just have to get started.

My phone buzzes.

Beth’s in rehab!

Lisa’s text is followed by another of a shocked emoji face.

I call her. “What’s going on?”

“Girl. Beth is in rehab. Apparently, she didn’t want anyone to know about it, so she told Steve to tell people she was missing. Or maybe he just said that to me to save face or make her look like an asshole, I don’t know. Hey, at least she’s not dead, right? But what a bitch.”

I know better than to believe Lisa really thinks that Beth is a bitch, so I don’t murmur my agreement. “I’m glad she’s okay.”

“I guess she will be?” Lisa makes it a question. “It’ll get her off the downers, anyway. She’s going to the police about where she got the drugs. She’s suuuuper pissed off at Christian for giving her those prescriptions, and look, she’s my bestie and all that, but she can also be a mean, mean bitch. Don’t tell him anything, okay?”

“He’s gone,” I look around the empty apartment again, unsure if I want to laugh or cry.

“Where’d he go?”

“I don’t know,” I say. “But he took all of his stuff and ran.”

Lisa is silent for a second or so. “Shit. That’s good, though, isn’t it? That must feel like a relief?”

Nothing feels like a relief right now. Detective Anderson asked me and Eli not to tell anyone about their investigation or their suspicions, but even if she hadn’t, this isn’t something to share with Lisa over the phone. It can only be a matter of a few hours before she hears about it anyway. It’s going to be all over the news. There won’t be any hiding it from the world … and that, I think, is all right. I mumble an excuse about needing to get off the phone and disconnect before I can break down.