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Back Walk on the Wilder Side Save as PDF
Chapters (46)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. 1
  4. 2
  5. 3
  6. 4
  7. 5
  8. 6
  9. 7
  10. 8
  11. 9
  12. 10
  13. 11
  14. 12
  15. 13
  16. 14
  17. 15
  18. 16
  19. 17
  20. 18
  21. 19
  22. 20
  23. 21
  24. 22
  25. 23
  26. 24
  27. 25
  28. 26
  29. 27
  30. 28
  31. 29
  32. 30
  33. 31
  34. 32
  35. 33
  36. 34
  37. 35
  38. 36
  39. 37
  40. 38
  41. 39
  42. Epilogue
  43. Excerpt from Wilder With You
  44. Also by Serena Bell
  45. Acknowledgments
  46. About the Author

He shakes his head. “I’m really fucking sick of not being the man people need me to be, Rachel. I couldn’t do that to you. You’d end up resenting me.”

“That’s not true, Brody!” Can I make him believe me? “You’ve never disappointed me, and I know you won’t start now.”

But he won’t look at me. I can’t even see his eyes; they’re hidden by the fall of his hair.

And all of a sudden I get it.

“You don’t want to be the guy in the plan,” I say dully.

I wait for him to fight me.

I wait for him to look at me.

But without lifting his head, he shakes it, and I know it’s over.

How ironic, I think. Werner wanted me to the be the girl he married, but not the girl he fucked. And Brody wants the opposite.

“Okay,” I say. “Okay.”

He holds out his arms. For a brief, startlingly wonderful moment, I think he is holding out his arms for me. I think we are going to be okay, that I misunderstood him.

But as I start to step forward, I remember the weight on my chest. Justin.

He’s holding out his arms to take Justin.

He waits patiently while I unstrap the carrier. My hands are shaking, and I think he sees that, but he doesn’t reach out to help. I’m glad he doesn’t; I don’t know what I’d do if he touched me now.

Probably start to cry.

To distract myself, I kiss Justin on the top of his head. When I lift my face, Brody looks away.

“So that’s—it,” I say.

He nods, without looking at me. And then he turns away, completely, opens the truck door, and settles Justin into his car seat.

I stand there, helpless, watching, wanting to say something, anything, the one right thing that will change the outcome.

Even though I know that thing doesn’t exist.

I take a deep breath.

I walk away.

Just about the time I get to the edge of the parking lot, the engine roars to life. And then he pulls out of the parking lot and he’s gone.

I double over, out of breath and out of shape and hurting so bad in my stomach and chest that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to draw a full breath again.

35

Rachel

I’d forgotten that Brody and I have to do one more party together on the boat. It’s a group of college students this time, friends from the University of Washington—a totally different vibe from the partiers so far. Most of the students are much savvier about toys, having grown up on a steady diet of Internet ads, Tumbler gifs, and Rule 34.

Rule 34, I learn, states that If something exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions.