Jorden figured she must have conceived in May at Alex’s home in Albany. Continual spotting gave her hope she might not be pregnant. She still hadn’t seen a doctor—excuses came up too easily. She didn’t write Alex about her fears. By July, Jorden let her imagination run wild. She visualized a small being—a baby boy, a little replica of Alex. She named him Lexie. He had become a part of her. At times she even talked to him.

During July, Scott O’Brady filled the news with the excitement of Apollo 11 and the much anticipated lunar landing. The walk on the moon was set for July 20. O’Brady highlighted the life of each astronaut. Their names were etched into Jorden’s memory. Neil Armstrong was the Commander to be assisted by Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins.

By Sunday night her roommates, like millions of others, were glued to the television, waiting for the astronauts to set foot on the moon. Jorden wasn’t with them. She lay curled up on her bed. The spotting and pain increased. Deep down she had an inkling of what was happening. She had read everything she could find on pregnancy, which also covered miscarriages. The rest of the night became a blur as the heavy bleeding began and the pain became hard to bear. But—still maybe her period had finally come through and all her worry had been unjustified. She would never know.

The next morning Jorden made it to her ten o’clock class. She walked the same route every morning, only now she felt a loss, but at the same time she couldn’t help but feel relief. Jorden managed to get through the long hot summer. She finally wrote Alex about her missed periods and the fears and worry she had gone through. She anxiously awaited his response and was disappointed in his lack of concern. Madison seemed to show more compassion than Alex ever did.

***

June 1970

Sitting on the side of the bed, Jorden felt Alex shaking her shoulders. “What is it? Say something.” His fingers pressed firmly into her shoulders.

Jorden lifted her head. She took a few deep breaths. “You know . . . we weren’t exactly careful last spring. You remember, don’t you?” Her voice turned to ice.

“Why are you so concerned about last year now?” Alex looked at her with disdain.

“It didn’t seem to matter to you then if I became pregnant before you left for Vietnam, so why are you so concerned now? Don’t you wonder why I was so determined to take birth control pills before I joined you in Hawaii? It wasn’t to go against your religious beliefs; it was to protect me. I could never go through what happened last July again.” Tears gleamed in her eyes.

“But you wrote you were okay.” Alex pulled her toward him.