‘Fuck. That’s awful.’ Lissy took her hand off the steering wheel and placed it on Chloe’s forearm, a demonstration of real love, given that she was an obsessively by-the-book driver even before having Claudia in the car with her. ‘Were you close?’

How was she supposed to answer that? What possible explanation could she give to explain that they had been closer than two people could ever usually be and yet hadn’t spoken for more than a decade? Her first instinct had been right. There was no point in trying to discuss this with Lissy. She was too normal ever to be able to understand.

Lissy looked across at Chloe. Their eyes met. ‘Is there something else?’ Lissy asked, uncharacteristically astute.

Chloe allowed herself a tiny moment to imagine telling Lissy everything, the relief that would come from completely unburdening herself. Then she pulled herself together. That wasn’t an option so there was no point fantasizing about it. ‘Rav and I are having a bit of a hard time, too,’ she said, knowing it would distract Lissy.

Lissy’s face changed. She looked relieved that Chloe had given her a problem she was more equipped to deal with. ‘Why?’

‘Same old row,’ she said. ‘He wants to have children straight away. I’m not sure that I’m ready.’

‘You’re never ready,’ said Lissy, turning off a roundabout. ‘But you should do it. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me. You have no idea how selfish you are until you become a mother.’

She had no right to be hurt by Lissy’s words, especially after how she had behaved that day. But they still stung. All that evening, as she cooked herself dinner, washed her hair and sat on the sofa thinking about the mess she had made, the words kept circling around in her head. You have no idea how selfish you are.

21

Then

Chloe was frightened that her resolution would crumble, that she would find herself unable to resist going straight back to Max and Zadie’s. But to her own enormous surprise she didn’t. Instead she got up at seven thirty every morning, went to her lectures, washed her hair, ate in the common dining room, let Lissy tell her long stories about her new boyfriend, Guy, and allowed herself only little snatches of Zadie. A cup of coffee on the way back from a lecture, a chat on the phone while Chloe tidied her bedroom and Zadie luxuriated in the bath. A Saturday afternoon sitting outside in the spring sunshine pretending not to be cold. No parties. No sleepovers. And while she hated herself for it, she felt better. Her skin was less deathly, her body less weak.