I can feel her watching me as I dress her, and for the first time in the history of our relationship, I take no pleasure from her studying me. I leave her and retrieve her bag, getting her shoes and placing them at her feet. Start talking, Ward. And yet words fail me.

I round my desk and drop into the chair, my legs feeling unsteady. Have I ever been this afraid? Categorically, no. When I lost Jake, I wasn’t afraid, I was too shocked. When I lost Rosie, I wasn’t afraid, I was broken. When the knife pierced my abdomen, I wasn’t afraid, I was numb. After all, I deserved that and more. Fear has never featured in my existence, and now it is here with a vengeance. Fear I’ll lose like I’ve already lost. The darkness darkening. The pain intensifying. The guilt crippling.

I watch Ava intently as she tucks in her blouse, digging deep for some strength. “What?” she asks, her head tilting just a smidge.

“Nothing.” It’s out before I can stop it. That strength is nowhere to be found. “Are you hungry?”

“Ish,” she says on a cute jump of her shoulders.

I can’t help my smile, even if I’m feeling anything but happy right now. How can I ever be truly content when I’m deceiving her? “Ish,” I whisper in return, and she smiles lightly. My heart splinters. Not only do I need so desperately to avoid what might be the end for us, I need to avoid the pain I know I will cause her. Fuck, I’m in a mess, and I have no idea how to right it. Except to show her how much I love her. Will that redeem me? I can only hope because I have nothing else to offer her. Just me, as I am, and I am mad for her. “The steak’s good,” I say, clearing my clogging throat. “Do you want that?” She nods, and I call in the order. “Ava would like the steak.”

“Certainly,” Pete says. “How would she like it cooked?”

“How do you like your steak?”

“Medium, please.”

“Medium, with new potatoes and a salad.” She nods her confirmation, and I smile on the inside. I know her so well. “In my office . . . and bring some wine . . . Zinfandel. That’s all . . . yes . . . thank you.” I make a few more quick calls to John and Sarah before hanging up. Ava is still standing, and I frown, pointing at the couch. “Sit.”

“I can go if you’re busy.”

Go where, exactly? “No, sit.”