I reach behind me and flip the shower off, helping her up, and I wrap myself in a towel quickly then spend an age taking immense pleasure from rubbing her down and squeezing the water from her hair. Look after her. She’s welcoming right now, but what about tomorrow when she’s not immersed in my physical attention and my body? “You want me to carry you?”

She nods, and she’s back in my arms in a heartbeat. I put her in bed and smile as she crawls under the sheets. I join her, and I’ve barely come to rest before she’s smothering me completely, spreading herself all over me. I’m completely swathed in her. And it’s the most soothing place in the world.

“Go to sleep, baby.” I kiss her sweetly, pulling her closer.

And I lie there all night trying to figure out how the fuck I get to keep this woman, and at the same time save her from me.

25

It’s been a long time since I’ve been awake so early and wanted to be. It’s a new day, and after the perfection of last night, I’m excited for it. I’m also terrified. If I could just make the entire world disappear, except for us, that would be ideal. Keep us in a bubble. One that could never pop, let alone explode. Because it will. It has to.

And the shards of devastation could be scattered for miles.

She’s dead to the world, her breathing light, her lips parted just so. She looks so cozy. Comfortable. Like she should never leave my bed. I’ve only ever watched one other person in my life sleep. Sit there for hours, just making sure her chest was moving up and down, every so often placing a palm there to feel her heartbeat. To feel her warmth. The only warmth that was in my life.

I swallow and reach for Ava’s chest, laying my hand between her breasts. The feel of the beats pulsing into my touch makes me smile sadly, uncomfortable with the life seeping into me. Because if there is one thing in the world I know for sure, it’s that life isn’t guaranteed. It can be stolen. Ripped away. I can’t allow that to happen again. I’ll never survive it.