‘Three months minimum. Maybe a bit longer. He wants to give us as long as possible. He was quite nice about it. He even said there might be another property above another shop we could have – but far out. Zone 6 or something.’

‘I don’t want to move there.’

‘I don’t want to move there either, wherever there is.’

‘Oh, well. It was never going to last forever.’

‘No.’

‘What are you going to do?’

‘I suppose I will have to transform myself. Get a sensible job. Marry a sensible woman from the Home Counties. Produce babies. Get a pension. Buy a motorbike in ten years to let off some steam. Take prescription pills for my anxiety.’

‘Where are you going to find this sensible woman from the Home Counties?’

‘There’s this thing called Guardian Soulmates?’

That stopped her up short. ‘You sound almost serious. But will they like you?’

‘It’s not impossible.’

‘Would a sensible woman want to go out with a man who thinks the word sensible carries such a terrible burden?’

‘Oh, I know what you mean, but I like sensible people, I like sanity. I meant a boring woman from the middle classes.’

‘Now you’re being boring.’

‘I know.’ I sat down on the sofa. ‘I know.’

‘Your problems will not be solved by a woman.’

‘My problematic lack of a woman would be.’

‘Your housing problem. Your aimlessness.’

‘What’s so good about having an aim? What’s great about trajectory? That’s how people impale people with things. I just want to live quietly.’

‘Stop sleeping with everyone then.’

‘Sleeping with who? It’s they who’ve stopped sleeping with me.’

‘Stop trying to sleep with everyone.’

‘Have I ever tried it on with you?’

‘No. But I have been very careful to project a consistent don’t try it on with me aura.’

‘I’ve noticed it.’

‘Good.’

‘So what are you going to do next?’ I asked. ‘Where are you going to go?’

‘I’ll get another houseshare. It’ll be fine. Nathan’s housemate is always talking about moving to Berlin – maybe he’ll actually get his arse in gear.’

‘Yeah?’

‘And if Jonathan gets a new place he said I could stay there for a bit.’

‘Jonathan?’

She looked away. ‘What?’

‘Jonathan?’

‘What?’ She stood up.

‘Jonathan?’

‘None of your business, Paul. You know his wife has left him for an Old Etonian banker?’

‘He told you that?’

‘Last night. They’ve known each other since they were children or something.’

‘Right. But why hasn’t he told me?’

‘I guess he’s… embarrassed? Ashamed?’

‘I’ll become a teacher if you marry me,’ I said.

‘Don’t you need a clean criminal record to be a teacher?’ she asked. She laid a hand on my shoulder. ‘I’m going to get dressed.’

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