‘You can’t just say something really offensive and then take it back with three words at the end of the sentence.’

‘Now, Jonathan, didn’t I say? I worried he would be like this,’ said Stev’n.

‘We need to focus on what makes us original is what Stev’n’s saying,’ said Jonathan. ‘We need clickbait. The hair reviews, everyone loves the hair reviews. They’re funny. People want to be in them. That’s what we do that no one else does. But you on Norwegian literature? Get real, mate.’

‘If you feel so strongly about it, write a review on Amazon,’ said Stev’n.

‘Or don’t,’ said Jonathan.

‘We had an idea.’

‘We think you might like it.’

‘I doubt it.’

‘Paul,’ said Jonathan. ‘I know you’re upset about losing your book column. But let’s make something clear. This isn’t a negotiation. This isn’t your chance to win us over with a passionate speech. The books page has only lasted as long as it has because half of us didn’t even know it was there.’

‘It’s like the human eye has evolved not to register short reviews of literary fiction,’ drawled Stev’n.

‘If there’s a teenage girl with her legs open on the facing page.’

‘Exactly,’ said Stev’n. ‘We could have a teenage girl with her legs open on both pages. When you shut the magazine, it’s like they’re scissoring each other. And right underneath them, a big fuck-off advert for Uniqlo.’

‘So you see,’ said Jonathan, ‘that you will need to find another venue for your literary criticism. Or alternatively, you may decide to write something else for us instead. We’d even give you a small raise.’ Jonathan reached under his desk and slid a large Jiffy bag across the table towards me. ‘These might be the last days of legal highs,’ he said. ‘Don’t you think we need to document that? We can be the first mainstream publication to regularly review them, you know, with a bit of gonzo humour, the stuff you’re good at.’

‘We have a great respect for your ability to consume narcotics,’ said Stev’n.

‘Look,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to tell either of you your job. But aren’t the people who travel to work every day on the Tube more interesting to advertisers than nerds who stay at home inhaling Chinese chemicals?’

‘They don’t read the magazine, they don’t go on the site,’ said Jonathan. ‘Anyway, the brands aren’t targeting the people who take the Chinese chemicals, they’re targeting the people who get a thrill from reading about you taking the Chinese chemicals. It’s edginess that attracts the brands we want.’

‘Exactly,’ said Stev’n. ‘Now, we don’t want to tell you your job. But you’re the guy who takes the Chinese chemicals.’