By the time he had escorted me through the dogs, I had long lost Mary and Sophie and the rest of the gang. The next twelve hours went by in what seemed like an hour or two. I began to worry the police officer had seen my drugs after all and had me followed, so that I would lead him to my friends and he could arrest us all, and me for supply rather than possession. He had extracted a code from my phone upon arresting me, so I turned my phone off, locked myself in a Portaloo and destroyed a substantial part of the incriminating evidence, then I went to work to find some subjects for the London Review of Haircuts. The friendly city is at its friendliest in such places. Becky was blonde and slightly taller than me. Annie was smaller but equally dramatic, with big mahogany eyes rimmed with kohl like smudged flames. They helped me destroy some more of the evidence and we became a three-person production team. I had to turn my phone on again to take photos, which they assured me would be fine in flight mode; they had seen a documentary about moped gangs that snatched phones and so long as they had flight mode on they couldn’t be tracked, at least not by normal police. Before I switched to flight mode I checked for messages or missed calls from Sophie or Mary, but there were none; phones were never reliable in such congested places. Then we took more photos, shakier photos, as we continued to dutifully destroy the evidence of my crime, until all traces of guilt had vanished completely, and my new friends and I could knock off for the day and enjoy ourselves.

*

I began to experience time in jump cuts. Sophie appeared, with one hand in the back pocket of a taller man than me, so tall that her arm must have been getting tired. ‘We thought you were in prison!’ she said. ‘This is Jack; Jack, this is the man I was telling you about.’

‘You do have an open relationship,’ said Becky, who earlier had said to me, ‘That’s what all men with girlfriends say when they get you alone in a Portaloo.’

While the tallest members of the group introduced themselves, Sophie went to kiss me and I turned my head. ‘I don’t know where you’ve been,’ I said.

‘If you’re good, I’ll tell you later. Where have you been?’

‘Cubicles. Police cubicles, Portaloo cubicles. A man made me take my clothes off and looked up my bum.’

‘A policeman or a new boyfriend?’

‘A policeman. I didn’t ask him out; he was very professional. Becky and her friend have been helping me get rid of what nearly became police evidence.’

‘How on earth did you get away with it?’