And I was like, look, Auntie, you can bawl

Me out, but I still don’t even get why

He said that? She married the first five guys.

So why not six? Is there a set limit?

With me, I’m almost fifty-five, innit,

And if there is a right number of men,

That’s news to me. Is it six or eight? Ten?

In my view, people got too much to say;

They chat rubbish. But from my Bible days

I know it says:

We hear church music and see church lighting, and we meet PASTOR JEGEDE in the middle of a sermon. AUNTIE P and KELLY are listening intently.

PASTOR JEGEDE

‘Go forth and multiply.’

ALVITA

I remember the bits that weren’t too dry …

And isn’t it that God said when they married:

PASTOR JEGEDE

A husband must leave his old family,

And link up mind, body and soul—

ALVITA

With me! Yep. Nothing about bigamy

In there, or more-gamy-than-that (cough, cough).

So how come some people slagging me off?

Nah, I’m not having it. Count the pickney

And women of Marley. How ’bout Stevie?

Now, you know Stevie’s had more than one wife!

Blindness don’t stop him enjoying his life.

I should be so lucky as Bob Marley.

Rita? Miss Jamaica? He had plenty

Woman, and I’m sure he had a good time

With them all, back in the day. And that’s fine.

But let’s also thank God for my five men:

Ian, Darren, Winston, Elridge and Ryan.

As this is said we see Alvita’s husbands, IAN, DARREN, WINSTON, ELRIDGE and RYAN – who are dotted around the pub – stand up and start looking at each other curiously. We may not notice that the fifth husband, RYAN, is the redhead with the video camera, who we can’t really see: the video equipment obscures his face. When he stands it must look as if he is just doing something to his camera. After a moment they sit back down again.

(You think five’s a lot? I could’ve had ten!)

But I’m well choosy. I actually picked them

For their ass-ets, different for each person.

One went to the College of North West London,

Two went to the School of Hard Knocks. The sick

Thing about Kilburn is how we can mix

It up with anyone? High, low. Posh, poor.

We’ve had practice. We’ll walk through any door.

And that’s like me spending my time studying

Five different husbands. You learn many things …

And, honestly, I’m up for Number Six

Whenever, wherever he feels to pitch

Up. Serious: if Five drops dead, boom, like that:

I won’t wait for my hymen to grow back.

That’s not me. You’ll soon see me on Insta

Chucking the bouquet to the next sista …

Pastor, if your man dies, you’re free, innit?

To get hitched again, if you feel like it.