Goldwasser subsided weakly against a wall. The Nomenclature Committee was his fault. In a light-hearted moment one day he had suggested that calling Nobbs ‘Your Majesty’ might strictly speaking constitute an act of sedition, and within two days the question was being urgently debated throughout the thirty-seven committees. Almost everyone agreed that a seditious interpretation could be put upon the usage, and that to continue using it might open the Institute to the possibility of prosecution or blackmail. But the practical problem was what to call Nobbs if not Her Majesty. It would be ridiculous, everyone said, to expect people to bow and curtsy to him and call him Nobbs. The original smile had scarcely faded from Goldwasser’s face before the Nomenclature Committee had been set up, to compose a formula which would both command respect and correspond more closely to the realities of Nobbs’s situation. Various working parties and study groups had so far produced:

Your Humility

Your Servitude

Your Ordinariness

Your Humanity

Your Anonymity

Your Proxyship

Your Beardedness

Your Nobbs

Your Principal Research Assistantship

Once more, Goldwasser knew, the decision would have to be postponed.

‘Carry on from where we were,’ shouted Mrs. Plushkov. ‘Go on calling Nobbs “Your Majesty” for to-day. Let me once again ask everyone to use his discretion, and not to talk about this outside the Institute.’

Hands were shaken, at five seconds per hand, then off went everyone on the tour of the establishment, at two feet per second. Into a department. Meet typical Research Assistant (Grade One) and look at typical computer (12 seconds). Ask typical question about computer (say, 5 seconds). Get typical answer (15 seconds). Express appreciation of work done (say, 4 seconds).

On down corridor, at two feet per second, up stairs at two seconds per stair, and into next department. Meet typical Research Assistant (Grade Two) and ask typical personal question (say, 10 seconds). Get typically modest answer (1 second). Comment on pleasantness of view out of window (say, 5 seconds). Deputy-­Director explains how fortunate Institute is in this respect (31 seconds). Adds polite joke (3 seconds). Laughter (26 seconds). Public amazement at how informal and charming Nobbs is (4 seconds). Out, striking ill-articulated Nobbs thigh against table and bringing down three files, a bottle of ink, and 140 loose sheets of foolscap manuscript. Recriminations all round (20 minutes).

For Goldwasser the afternoon began to go by in a dream. It was interrupted momentarily when he was caught a sharp blow on the side of the head with a window-pole which was being used as a substitute for the golden taper to light a flame of undying remembrance to those who fell in the Luddite riots. At another point he was conscious of a limp hand being thrust authoritatively into his, and a well-known voice saying ‘Wakey wakey, mate.’ And there were a few moments of wonderful sitting down when the Special Purposes Committee met to consider once again whether time should be allowed for Nobbs to powder his nose.