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Chapters (53)
  1. The Source
  2. Dedication
  3. Contents
  4. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  5. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1996
  6. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  7. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1996
  8. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  9. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1996
  10. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  11. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1996
  12. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  13. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1996
  14. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  15. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1996
  16. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  17. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1996
  18. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  19. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1997
  20. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  21. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1997
  22. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  23. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1997
  24. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  25. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1997
  26. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  27. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1997
  28. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  29. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1997
  30. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  31. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1997
  32. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  33. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1997
  34. Carly ~ Warchester ~ 1998
  35. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  36. Carly ~ London ~ 2001
  37. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  38. Carly ~ London ~ 2001
  39. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  40. Carly ~ London ~ 2001
  41. Marie ~ Just outside Warchester ~ 2006
  42. Carly ~ London ~ 2001
  43. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  44. Carly ~ Deptford ~ 2002
  45. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  46. Marie ~ Deptford ~ 2004
  47. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  48. Marie ~ London ~ 2005
  49. Marie ~ London ~ 2006
  50. Marie ~ London ~ Six months later
  51. Acknowledgements
  52. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  53. Copyright

‘You will never use that word again,’ he hisses as he leans towards me. ‘They are soldiers. That is all any of us are. Everyone is a soldier, or at least they should be. We’d be nowhere without soldiers. We forget about the ones who are dead, but soldiers like him – they’re living reminders of what we have to be grateful for. If you can’t see it now, then you might as well be blind for the rest of your life.’

I let all my breath out as he turns to fiddle with the padlock on the gate. Is all this supposed to be OK just because these people have lost half their bodies?

‘Rach might not do it for anyone else, you know,’ I say after a moment. ‘She really likes Tommo, and thinks he’s really into her too…’

‘She’ll do it if you ask her. She gets it’s part of our duty, she always has. And besides, it doesn’t have to be her…’ There’s a click as the lock finally closes. ‘We just have to get it done, one way or the other. We can’t afford not to. Our family can’t, and neither can the army.’

‘Well it’s not going to be me.’ I force myself to look at him as he turns. ‘I’m not going with one of those guys, soldiers or not. And actually, she’ll do it if you ask her, not me. She told me if you were her brother, she would do whatever you said…’

‘It has to be you,’ he interrupts. I can see the whites of his eyes in the dark. ‘I can’t have anything to do with asking anyone. I told 73you, there’s stuff I don’t even know, and what I do know can’t touch this. Not now. Not if we want all the stuff to continue.’

‘What stuff? You mean like food and clothes? Money?’

‘Think about Kayleigh,’ he says, suddenly grabbing me by the arms. ‘Ma can’t look after her. She’s useless, always will be now. We’re the ones who have to—’

‘We? All I do is think about Kayleigh!’ I shout as I try to wriggle free. ‘I’m the one who feeds her every night, who washes her, who finds a rag when we’re out of nappies … me. And now you are telling me I have to find someone to dish out blow jobs so we can keep eating?’

I feel tears streaming down my face again but I don’t care anymore.