I swallow the upheaval of emotions warring in my chest. I feel like I need to give her something, but I don't know what. When she pulls both of our hands to her belly, flattening my palm against the bump and covering it with hers, I think it is a silent question. An expectation perhaps, or a reminder. We are growing every day. Too slow at times, too fast at others. And I know before I can really wrap my mind around it, this tiny human will be here, bundled in her arms.

"I won't make you a promise I can't keep," I tell her.

She's quiet for a moment, her hand tightening slightly against mine. "We can talk about my father in the morning."

"I'm not talking about your father. I'm talking about me."

"What do you mean?"

The words eject from my mouth before I can filter them. "Don’t expect me to be a good father."

Silence. It fills the space between us for so long, I think she has gone to sleep.

"I think you might surprise yourself," she says finally. "Look at the way Eva has taken a liking to you. If you can win her over, you can win anyone over."

"She is different," I mutter. "There's something wrong with her."

"Because clearly there would have to be for her to like you," Ivy huffs. "That's what you mean, right?"

"I terrify children."

"You won't terrify your own. Not if you make an effort."

"I am not sure I know how," I admit.

She turns into me, stroking my arm. "Your father didn't show you?"

"My father showed me how to be cruel," I answer. "Cold and unyielding. I learned all my best qualities from him. Every lesson I learned from him came as a punishment or a beating. For many years, I thought that was how fathers expressed their... affection."

"That isn't love," Ivy says softly.

"I suppose it isn't."

"You aren't your father." She reaches up to touch my face, humanizing me in a way nobody else ever has. "You won't ever do those things to your own children."

My fingers trace over her arm. "I know I won't. I also know the limit of my capabilities. I can provide for them. I will protect them. But the softness must come from you."

"I believe you are capable of far more than you give yourself credit for." She presses her lips against my cheek. "You will see."

I don't respond because there's nothing else to say. She has expectations of me that I'll never meet. And at some point, she will be forced to accept it.

I turn into her and kiss her face. "Good night, sweet Ivy."

20

Ivy

As the sun rises, I lie still beside him, listening to his even breathing. He’s passed out. Exhausted probably from days, weeks even of not sleeping. Of drinking too much. Of worrying.