I’m sitting in the nursery in near darkness, the only light the carousel of animals in pinks and greens circling the soft yellow walls. I rock gently in the cushioned rocker, knees pulled up underneath me, fingers worrying the beautiful diamond-encrusted rose pendant Santiago gifted me. When I first studied it, I half expected a skull to be hidden inside the design.

I shake my head at the strange thought. I’d expected it. It wasn’t there, of course, but I don’t know. I guess that’s bothering me, too. Skulls along with roses, morbid and beautiful, and our very limited past together. The ugly months. It’s all too much.

I put my hand over my stomach because now there’s a baby to consider. It raises the stakes.

And this is what it comes down to. This one-eighty turn. He wants an heir. He needs one. Did he suddenly fall madly in love with me once I became pregnant? Did he suddenly set aside years' worth of vengeance and hatred the moment he learned I was carrying his child?

I feel a little sick at the thought. At what it could mean for me.

What if he’s acting? Given all that’s happened, it’s a miracle I’ve held on to the pregnancy. Maybe he’s worried if I’m stressed or upset, I’ll lose the baby. And then what? Back to square one? Will he remember his hate of me? Lock me in my room, daylight barred from my windows again?

I get up and pad barefoot over the plush new carpet to the dresser, where a few boxes sit on top. I open one, take out the little outfit. It’s for a boy. Any clothes that have arrived whether from Santiago or The Society are all for a little boy. Only Antonia is buying clothes in neutral colors and even some little dresses. What if we have a girl? What will that mean?

I touch the gold bracelet on my wrist. Hazel’s. I’m still wearing it. Will we receive another one with our little girl’s name on it welcoming a daughter of the Society, the gesture itself almost mocking?

You didn’t have a son. A boy.

I shake my head. It’s not like that. IVI isn’t like that. The doctor has been wonderful. Attentive and caring. Colette has had nothing but good things to say about them, all the help they’ve provided since little Benjamin Jackson was born.

That’s another thing. I haven’t been to see her either.