I keep going back and forth with what I’ll do when he does finally come to see me. If he comes. This time is different than before. He’s different.

Maybe he’s heartsick too.

No. He’s not heartsick. You can’t be heartsick if you don’t have a heart. And I need to stop being an idiot when it comes to Santiago.

I get up off the bed. At least I’m not naked. Maybe he forgot to lock the closet. Or maybe he just doesn’t care as long as he doesn’t have to see me.

“Get out of my sight.”

I shake my head. I want to forget his words. The hate inside them. Forget his disgust of me.

What will I do when he finally comes? Will I explain what I was doing? Burning the sheet? I didn’t mean to destroy the pictures of his father or his brother. I didn’t care about those. Although it’s just as bad that I didn’t care about them, isn’t it? But I’ll explain how I felt when he left for days when I thought he’d be back that night.

I’ll tell him I’m sorry.

But then I get angry. Why should I apologize? What have I done to him? Nothing that validates what he did to me. Using his belt like that? Marking me for days. And then how he took me.

Shame, anger, and hurt war inside me. I tell myself that he’s the one who should get down on his knees and beg for my forgiveness, yet the longer he keeps me here, the more I think it’s my fault. The more I think I’m the one who should kneel to him.

I am so confused. So sick of this.

And I know one thing for sure. I can’t do this much longer.

I stand at the bathroom mirror. I look a mess, my hair unbrushed and a tangle of knots. I showered a few days ago, but I don’t even care. I’m going crazy in here. He won’t let Antonia bring my meals. It’s another girl who is too scared to even look at me when she delivers the new trays and takes away the old.

I’ve had exactly one communication from him during these weeks. A threat. If I don’t eat, he will have Marco force-feed me. The act itself is violent enough but what hurts the most is that he’d send Marco.

Why the fuck does that hurt me? God. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I hate this man who hates me? Because even when I tell him I do, even when I scream the words at him, I don’t. It’s like there’s this sick, masochistic side of me when it comes to my husband. I want him.