Chapters (28)
- Cover
- LAB JOURNAL
- Title Page
- Dedication
- 1. Manny Bullpucky Gets His Sorry Butt Hurled Off the Marine Park Bridge
- 2. The Weird and Mostly Tragic History of the Schwa, Which Is Entirely True If You Trust My Sources
- 3. Quantizing the Schwa Effect Using the Scientific Method, and All That Garbage
- 4. Making Big Bucks off of Stealth Economics, Because Maybe I Got Some Business Sense
- 5. Which Is Worse: Getting Mauled by a Pack of Dogs, or Getting Your Brains Bashed Out by a Steel Poker?
- 6. As If I Didn’t Already Have Enough Annoying Things to Do Every Day, Now I Gotta Do This
- 7. The Lowest-Paid Male Escort on the Entire Eastern Seaboard, Except for Maybe the Bronx
- 8. Are Those Your Fingers in My Mouth, or Are You Just Happy to Not See Me?
- 9. Maybe They Had It Right in France Because Getting My Head Lopped Off by a Guillotine Would Have Been Easier
- 10. Earthquakes, Nuclear Winter, and the End of Life as We Know It, over Linguini
- 11. The Youngest Doctor in Sheepshead Bay Gets Held Hostage When He Least Expects It
- 12. A Horror Movie Blow-by-Blow, with the Undisputed Queen of the 3-B Club
- 13. A Russian Train, a Pulsing Vein, and My Mother’s Bag of Snails
- 14. More Than I Ever Wanted to Know About the Schwa’s Childhood
- 15. Vortex in Aisle Three—Can Someone Please Clean Up the Ectoplasmic Slime?
- 16. A Late-Night Trip to the Land of Beef That Could Turn a Person into a Vegetarian
- 17. A Traumatic Experience I’ll Live to Regret, Assuming I Live
- 18. Larger Than Life, in Your Face, Undeniable Schwa
- 19. The Schwa Gets Radiation Therapy in a Room That Doesn’t Smell Too Good No Matter How Much It’s Disinfected
- 20. The Weird Things Kids Do Don’t Even Come Close to the Weird Things Parents Do
- 21. Why I Started Vandalizing Brooklyn
- 22. My Anonymous Contribution to Popular Culture and to My Parents’ Phone Bill
- DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
- Special Excerpt from SHIP OUT OF LUCK
He took off his goggles to get a better look at me. His eyes were as wild as his hair. Then he said, “I believe you. For now. What is it you want?”
“I’m trying to help a friend,” I said. “How long have you worked for Waldbaum’s?”
“Flemish!” he shouted.
“Huh?”
“You are wondering about my accent. It is Flemish. I come from Belgium. All you know from Belgium is waffles and chocolate. Now you know me.”
“Great, got it—waffles, chocolate, and you. So how long have you worked for Waldbaum’s?”
“Nineteen years. I was here when cuts were thick, and you could still get a lamb chop with a nice big fillet, back when meat was meat.” He looked off for a moment, nostalgic for the good old days, then said, “Gunther!”
“Huh?”
“You are wondering what is my name.”
“Well, not really, but thanks for telling me.” This was the only human being I’d ever met who had more trouble than me staying on the subject. “Did you always work in this store, or did you get moved around?”
“Always here,” he said.
“Good. So you were here about nine years ago when a little boy got left in a shopping cart.”
Suddenly his whole attitude changed. “No.” He turned back to the beef he had been cutting. “I was not on duty yet. I do not remember.”
“If you don’t remember, how could you know you weren’t on duty?”
He scratched his peeling neck. Little flakes fell to the cutting table. I’m never eating meat from Waldbaum’s again.
“Eczema,” he said.
“Huh?”
“You are wondering about my neck. Why I scratch.”
“What you do with your neck is your business.”
He stopped scratching and looked at me for an uncomfortably long time. “You are this little boy from the shopping cart?” he asked.
“No, but I’m his friend.”
Gunther nodded, then went to remove his smock and washed his hands. “This friend of yours. He is okay now?”
“Not really,” I told him. I thought of what story I could make up to get Gunther to spill his guts, and then I figured the truth would do the job just fine. “He thinks his mother disappeared into thin air, and he never got over it.”
Gunther sighed. “I am very sorry to hear that.” He pulled up a chair and sat down, then pulled up one for me. “Sit.”
Although I really didn’t want to, I knew I might finally be onto something. I sat down, and Gunther took his time before he spoke again.
“You have to understand, this was none of my business. I had nothing to do with it, I only saw.”
Bingo! “So you saw what happened! She didn’t disappear after all, did she?”
Gunther sighed. “She did disappear, in a manner of speaking,” he said. “And she was not the only one who disappeared that night.”