Chapters (28)
- Cover
- LAB JOURNAL
- Title Page
- Dedication
- 1. Manny Bullpucky Gets His Sorry Butt Hurled Off the Marine Park Bridge
- 2. The Weird and Mostly Tragic History of the Schwa, Which Is Entirely True If You Trust My Sources
- 3. Quantizing the Schwa Effect Using the Scientific Method, and All That Garbage
- 4. Making Big Bucks off of Stealth Economics, Because Maybe I Got Some Business Sense
- 5. Which Is Worse: Getting Mauled by a Pack of Dogs, or Getting Your Brains Bashed Out by a Steel Poker?
- 6. As If I Didn’t Already Have Enough Annoying Things to Do Every Day, Now I Gotta Do This
- 7. The Lowest-Paid Male Escort on the Entire Eastern Seaboard, Except for Maybe the Bronx
- 8. Are Those Your Fingers in My Mouth, or Are You Just Happy to Not See Me?
- 9. Maybe They Had It Right in France Because Getting My Head Lopped Off by a Guillotine Would Have Been Easier
- 10. Earthquakes, Nuclear Winter, and the End of Life as We Know It, over Linguini
- 11. The Youngest Doctor in Sheepshead Bay Gets Held Hostage When He Least Expects It
- 12. A Horror Movie Blow-by-Blow, with the Undisputed Queen of the 3-B Club
- 13. A Russian Train, a Pulsing Vein, and My Mother’s Bag of Snails
- 14. More Than I Ever Wanted to Know About the Schwa’s Childhood
- 15. Vortex in Aisle Three—Can Someone Please Clean Up the Ectoplasmic Slime?
- 16. A Late-Night Trip to the Land of Beef That Could Turn a Person into a Vegetarian
- 17. A Traumatic Experience I’ll Live to Regret, Assuming I Live
- 18. Larger Than Life, in Your Face, Undeniable Schwa
- 19. The Schwa Gets Radiation Therapy in a Room That Doesn’t Smell Too Good No Matter How Much It’s Disinfected
- 20. The Weird Things Kids Do Don’t Even Come Close to the Weird Things Parents Do
- 21. Why I Started Vandalizing Brooklyn
- 22. My Anonymous Contribution to Popular Culture and to My Parents’ Phone Bill
- DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
- Special Excerpt from SHIP OUT OF LUCK
“What’s happening now?”
“She tries to run, but the air lock closes. The monster backs her against the door. Its claws move forward. She opens her mouth to scream, but she can’t because she knows screaming won’t make a difference.”
“Shh!” said someone in front of us.
“She’s blind—you got a problem with that?”
The monster did its thing, and the audience shrieked, their voices blending into the squishing, crunching sound effects.
“What did the monster do?” Lexie asked.
“You don’t want to know.”
“Yes, I do!” She licked her lips. “Every little detail!”
By the time the movie was over, I felt like I was stumbling out of a day of state testing.
“Don’t worry,” Lexie said as we left arm in arm, “I won’t ask you to describe the food on my plate.”
At dinner, however, she asked the waitress for a Braille menu.
“Are you kidding?” I told her. “This is just a burger place; they don’t have Braille menus.”
“He’s right,” said the waitress.
“Then I’d like the manager to come out and read me the menu,” she said.
“I can read it,” I told her.
“No, I want the manager.”
The waitress snapped her order booklet closed. “Sure, hon,” and she went off to find the manager.
“You like giving people a hard time, don’t you?”
Lexie grinned. “Only when they’re blind to the blind.”
In a few moments the manager walked out. No—strided out. This was one of those places famous for, like, fourteen thousand different burgers on the menu, and Lexie charmingly insisted that the manager read every single one of them, like it was his catechism. When he was done, she gave him the phone number of a place where he could order Braille menus.
That’s when I think I fell in love.
“What if he’d refused to read you the menu?” I asked after the manager was gone.
“Then I’d sic the Four-S club on him.”
“Don’t you mean Four-H?”
“No, Four-S. It stands for the four senses other than sight. It’s a club at my school. We have contacts with the mayor’s office and the New York Times, and we organize pickets in front of antiblind establishments.”
“You should call yourself the Three-B club,” I told her. “Blind Ball Busters.”
She laughed.
“I’ll bet you’re the leader.”
She didn’t deny it. “I’m a force to be reckoned with.”
“Just like your grandfather.”
When it came to body language, I wasn’t exactly bilingual, but still I could tell by the way she shifted that she wasn’t too pleased by the comparison. “I meant that in a good way,” I told her. “I mean, it’s like we all get our raw materials from our families—but it’s up to us whether we build bridges or bombs.”
“What are you building?” she asked.