Back The Schwa was Here
Chapters (28)
  1. Cover
  2. LAB JOURNAL
  3. Title Page
  4. Dedication
  5. 1. Manny Bullpucky Gets His Sorry Butt Hurled Off the Marine Park Bridge
  6. 2. The Weird and Mostly Tragic History of the Schwa, Which Is Entirely True If You Trust My Sources
  7. 3. Quantizing the Schwa Effect Using the Scientific Method, and All That Garbage
  8. 4. Making Big Bucks off of Stealth Economics, Because Maybe I Got Some Business Sense
  9. 5. Which Is Worse: Getting Mauled by a Pack of Dogs, or Getting Your Brains Bashed Out by a Steel Poker?
  10. 6. As If I Didn’t Already Have Enough Annoying Things to Do Every Day, Now I Gotta Do This
  11. 7. The Lowest-Paid Male Escort on the Entire Eastern Seaboard, Except for Maybe the Bronx
  12. 8. Are Those Your Fingers in My Mouth, or Are You Just Happy to Not See Me?
  13. 9. Maybe They Had It Right in France Because Getting My Head Lopped Off by a Guillotine Would Have Been Easier
  14. 10. Earthquakes, Nuclear Winter, and the End of Life as We Know It, over Linguini
  15. 11. The Youngest Doctor in Sheepshead Bay Gets Held Hostage When He Least Expects It
  16. 12. A Horror Movie Blow-by-Blow, with the Undisputed Queen of the 3-B Club
  17. 13. A Russian Train, a Pulsing Vein, and My Mother’s Bag of Snails
  18. 14. More Than I Ever Wanted to Know About the Schwa’s Childhood
  19. 15. Vortex in Aisle Three—Can Someone Please Clean Up the Ectoplasmic Slime?
  20. 16. A Late-Night Trip to the Land of Beef That Could Turn a Person into a Vegetarian
  21. 17. A Traumatic Experience I’ll Live to Regret, Assuming I Live
  22. 18. Larger Than Life, in Your Face, Undeniable Schwa
  23. 19. The Schwa Gets Radiation Therapy in a Room That Doesn’t Smell Too Good No Matter How Much It’s Disinfected
  24. 20. The Weird Things Kids Do Don’t Even Come Close to the Weird Things Parents Do
  25. 21. Why I Started Vandalizing Brooklyn
  26. 22. My Anonymous Contribution to Popular Culture and to My Parents’ Phone Bill
  27. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
  28. Special Excerpt from SHIP OUT OF LUCK

Then he turned around and went back to the sofa, refusing to look at me again.

“Kidnap you, huh? I woulda done that for free.”

“Telling me that is bad business,” he grunted. “Now leave.”

Even before I mentioned it to my father, I called the Schwa. He knew Crawley—he’d be able to commiserate. But when I dial his number, I get this recording. The number’s been disconnected. At first I thought it must be a mistake, so I dialed again, and got the same thing. There was no forwarding number.

The feeling I had deep down in my gut was even worse than what I felt when my dad told me how he got fired. It was sundown now. Flurries were falling, and the wind had gotten blizzard cold. Still, I got on my bike and rode at full speed to the Schwa’s house.

There was a FOR SALE sign on the lawn.

It had red lettering and featured the picture of a realtor, her face grinning out at me. Rona Josephson, million-dollar seller. I had never met the woman, but I already hated her.

I hurried up to the Schwa’s front door, knocked, and didn’t wait for an answer before I tried the knob. It was locked. I peeked in the little window next to the door, and my worst fear was confirmed. I didn’t see any furniture. I went around the house, looking in every window. The place had been emptied out. There wasn’t even any of the usual junk left in corners when you move—the entire place was clean.

I was scared now, the way you’re scared when you come home to find someone’s broken in and stolen your stuff. I took down the number of the realtor and left. I don’t carry a cell phone, because my parents told me I’d have to pay for it myself, and there’s no one I’d pay to talk to. The nearest set of pay phones was by the gas station a few blocks away. Four phones. One had a jammed coin slot, two had no receivers, and the last one was hogged by some guy telling his life story. When he saw me coming, he turned his back to me, making it clear he wasn’t giving up the phone. It was only when I started hanging around his car, trying to look as suspicious as possible, that he got off the phone and left.

I fed whatever change I had in my pocket into the phone and dialed the realtor’s number. A receptionist put me through to Rona Josephson, million-dollar seller.

“I’m calling about a house for sale. I don’t want to buy it, I just need to get in touch with the people selling it.” Then I gave her the address.