Back The Schwa was Here
Chapters (28)
  1. Cover
  2. LAB JOURNAL
  3. Title Page
  4. Dedication
  5. 1. Manny Bullpucky Gets His Sorry Butt Hurled Off the Marine Park Bridge
  6. 2. The Weird and Mostly Tragic History of the Schwa, Which Is Entirely True If You Trust My Sources
  7. 3. Quantizing the Schwa Effect Using the Scientific Method, and All That Garbage
  8. 4. Making Big Bucks off of Stealth Economics, Because Maybe I Got Some Business Sense
  9. 5. Which Is Worse: Getting Mauled by a Pack of Dogs, or Getting Your Brains Bashed Out by a Steel Poker?
  10. 6. As If I Didn’t Already Have Enough Annoying Things to Do Every Day, Now I Gotta Do This
  11. 7. The Lowest-Paid Male Escort on the Entire Eastern Seaboard, Except for Maybe the Bronx
  12. 8. Are Those Your Fingers in My Mouth, or Are You Just Happy to Not See Me?
  13. 9. Maybe They Had It Right in France Because Getting My Head Lopped Off by a Guillotine Would Have Been Easier
  14. 10. Earthquakes, Nuclear Winter, and the End of Life as We Know It, over Linguini
  15. 11. The Youngest Doctor in Sheepshead Bay Gets Held Hostage When He Least Expects It
  16. 12. A Horror Movie Blow-by-Blow, with the Undisputed Queen of the 3-B Club
  17. 13. A Russian Train, a Pulsing Vein, and My Mother’s Bag of Snails
  18. 14. More Than I Ever Wanted to Know About the Schwa’s Childhood
  19. 15. Vortex in Aisle Three—Can Someone Please Clean Up the Ectoplasmic Slime?
  20. 16. A Late-Night Trip to the Land of Beef That Could Turn a Person into a Vegetarian
  21. 17. A Traumatic Experience I’ll Live to Regret, Assuming I Live
  22. 18. Larger Than Life, in Your Face, Undeniable Schwa
  23. 19. The Schwa Gets Radiation Therapy in a Room That Doesn’t Smell Too Good No Matter How Much It’s Disinfected
  24. 20. The Weird Things Kids Do Don’t Even Come Close to the Weird Things Parents Do
  25. 21. Why I Started Vandalizing Brooklyn
  26. 22. My Anonymous Contribution to Popular Culture and to My Parents’ Phone Bill
  27. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
  28. Special Excerpt from SHIP OUT OF LUCK

“I was thinking ‘nowhere,’ but you get the point.” The expression on his face darkened again. I could tell he was thinking about work.

“I’m really sorry about your job,” I told him.

“I was just fired from a company whose biggest contribution to civilization is a urinal strainer,” he said. “That’s nothing to feel sorry about.” He smiled as he thought about it, then shook his head. “Although sometimes I wonder if ‘the Man Upstairs’ is working me over for something I did.”

The Man Upstairs, I thought, and something began to trouble me. Because I knew a man upstairs, too.

“Uh . . . Dad. What reason did they give for firing you?”

“It was the weirdest thing. They gave me this story about someone making a massive investment in our product development, but only if they fired me.”

I suddenly felt my skin begin to pull tight, like shrink-wrap on the Night Butcher’s steaks.

“It doesn’t make sense,” he said. “Why would anyone do that?”

Someone gave a ton of money . . . but only if my dad was fired. There was only one person I knew twisted enough to do something like that. Someone who had made a threat to get my dad fired once before.

When I got to Crawley’s place, the old man didn’t seem surprised to see me. That was my first clue that my suspicions were right on target.

“I need someone to walk my dogs,” he said as he opened the door.

“I couldn’t care less,” I told him. “You got my dad fired, didn’t you, you twisted old—”

“Careful, Mr. Bonano. I don’t take kindly to crude insults.”

I paced away from him, my fists clenched. Controlling your temper isn’t easy when you really don’t want to control it. If I blew a gasket now, though, I knew it could be a whole lot worse. This guy could end up punishing my whole family for the things I did.

“You’re a monster,” I told him. “My father worked nine years for that company, and now what is he going to do?”

He calmly returned to his place on the living-room sofa. “Why is that my problem?”

I felt like charging at him, but instead let loose a scream of pure rage that got all the dogs barking. And when the dogs quieted down, Crawley said, “Perhaps I can offer him some menial position.” He gave me the nastiest of smirks. “Floor scrubber . . . janitor . . . dog walker.”

I was about to tell him exactly what he could do with his menial position, but then he said, “Of course there is that new restaurant I recently acquired . . .” He looked off, scratching his temple like this was something that just occurred to him, when clearly it wasn’t.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve decided one restaurant isn’t enough, so I bought a second one a few miles away. An Italian place.”