‘Sit down, Gary, and promise me one thing: that you won’t mess me about.’

‘Yeah, of course, why would I?’

‘First thing, where is Emily?’ he asked as Mr Processed Meat shook his head to indicate to McCoy that she wasn’t here in the flat.

‘I haven’t got a clue.’

‘The thing is, Gary, my colleague here, Tommy, is her common-law husband and he’s missing her terribly. She hasn’t been home for two days and we want to know where she is.’

So, bald bloke was Emily’s boyfriend. I think maybe I had suspected this all along. I immediately assumed that the purpose of this visit was to warn me away from Emily and probably to give Tommy the opportunity to deliver unto me a beating. By phoning her number I had put myself in a significant amount of shit.

‘Honestly, Mr McCoy, I have no idea,’ I said in the manner of a pathetic and undercooked Harry Potter actor.

‘WHY WERE YOU PHONING HER? WERE YOU HOPING TO ARRANGE A HOOK-UP?’ growled Tommy.

‘No, no, no… The police called here earlier and told me that Brendan had been found dead and they think I might know something about it because of the two fake coppers I told you about and I wanted Emily to confirm to the police that Brendan left the pub hours before me that’s all. I was in a bit of a panic,’ I blurted out, sounding like a naughty child trying to cover his tracks.

‘OH, SO YOU WERE SAT IN THE PUB WITH HER, WERE YOU? SOUNDS VERY MUCH LIKE A LIAISON TO ME,’ Tommy said with a crooked grin enhancing the left half of his mouth.

‘Alright, Tommy, turn it down,’ interjected McCoy. ‘Just let me handle this. So, when did you last see her?’

‘Two days ago, I think. I called at her flat to return a book to her that she left in the pub that Friday night.’

‘HAS SHE EVER BEEN IN THIS FLAT?’ asked Tommy with a lopsided gurn on his face that made him look both angry and thoughtful.

‘No, absolutely not,’ I replied, thinking I could actually hear the sweat popping out of my pores.

Tommy took a couple of steps towards me.

‘SO YOU KNEW WHERE SHE LIVED, DID YOU? THAT’S NICE, ISN’T IT? BUT TELL ME: WHY DIDN’T YOU POST THE BOOK? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO SNIFFING AROUND MY HOME?’

I couldn’t think of a suitable reply but was saved by McCoy. ‘Leave it, Tommy, I’m sure he won’t be seeing her again and I’m sure that if she ever did turn up here Gary would inform me immediately. That’s right, isn’t it, Gary?’