Cover

Bob Mortimer

The Number One Bestselling Author

The Satsuma Complex

A Novel

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Title Page

Dedication

For Mavis

‘Sorry to say, Pops, but you should have thought around this a bit more before you started.’

PART ONE

1

My name is Gary. I’m a thirty-year-old legal assistant with a firm of solicitors in London. I live by myself in a one-bedroom flat on a sprawling 1960s local authority housing estate in Peckham. My flat is just a five-minute walk from work, a state of affairs that pleases me, on those occasions that I wish it to. I’m on the short side of average height and come equipped with a large nose that borders on the comical if I wear sunglasses.

If you happen to clock me in the street, I will invariably be wearing my cheap grey suit with a white shirt and tie (workdays) or my brown corduroy jacket with jeans and a T-shirt (empty days). There’s a good chance you might see my nose before you spot my clothing. My hair is neat and tidy with a short back and sides and a side parting engineered to resemble a semi-quiff. My brown eyes are almond-shaped and have been described as both sad and welcoming within the same twenty-four hours. To describe me as anonymous would be unfair, but to notice me other than in passing would be a rarity.

My only real friend in London is one of my neighbours on the estate. I did make a good connection with a girl this past week or so, but earlier today that blew up in my face and smacked my arse with a fish slice. I thought she liked me, but it turned out I was very wrong. I think I was in love with her; in fact I’m sure I was and, being honest, I still am. I’m properly heartbroken, for the first time in my life.

My mum used to tell me that I was blessed with a good imagination and should use it to my advantage – to relieve any boredom and inject perspective and joy into my life. She would say, if you can imagine something that has never happened to you, then when you encounter it you will be better prepared to both appreciate and cope with it. Sadly, my imagination is not really working to my benefit at the moment, though to be fair to Mum it usually does.