‘Hey, sorry I called you shortarse earlier… I always get into a state when the drink kicks in before I go on stage. You’re not that short.’

‘Yeah, I’m only one and a half inches below the national average. Your joke about the fish was really funny. Even my mate Ian laughed and he only usually laughs at golf swings.’

I looked over to the table and saw that Ian and the gang were leaving. I was glad. Victoria Beckham and I spoke for another hour or so and left together. All her attitude and brassiness had gone. She seemed defeated. I realized that I could easily make this girl like me, and so that is what I did. We spent the next two years as an item, living in each other’s pockets and creating another warm melon for me to tick over in. Then I chanced across her having it off with a policeman behind a skip in the cinema car park and that was the end of that.

Grace interrupted me.

‘There’s a pattern emerging here. Both these relationships turned to shit because all you are trying to do is make yourself comfortable and make it hard for them to leave. What makes you think it will be any different with this Satsuma girl?’

‘I’ve played it through in my mind. I think it will pan out into something exceptional.’

‘What makes you say that?’

‘Because I really, really fancy her.’

‘God help the poor girl.’

I told Grace about Satsuma’s reluctance to provide an alibi for me and assured her that if it ever came to it, I would be able to direct the police to her flat. I didn’t want that to happen and, of course, given that I had no involvement in this whole thing, assumed that it never would. Grace seemed satisfied with the outcome and advised me to forget all about Satsuma for my sake and hers. Lassoo fell off his chair mid-nap, ran a few steps to the side and spewed up on the carpet.

8

That evening I went to the Grove to watch the football. I wanted to try and take my mind away from thoughts of Brendan’s death and Grace’s worries about Wilmott and Cowley. Most of all, though, I wanted to take my attention away from Satsuma and the needling feeling that she might be in some sort of trouble or pain. I joined Nick and Andy at our usual seats at the end of the bar. The match involved two London clubs so was inevitably a dreary affair. After the final whistle I told them about this new girl I had met and lied about how exceptional our prospects were. Nick’s advice was very certain: ‘Don’t get involved, mate. All women are a shitstorm, especially the good-looking ones.’