‘Oh!’ I somehow hadn’t made the connection that the babygros were for my baby, that I’d dress small, wriggling limbs in this soft brushed cotton. It was still abstract, my life stuck in limbo. ‘February.’ God, it was so soon. Why had I let this go on so long?

‘Lovely. Spring baby.’

Spring seemed impossible to imagine. Would I still be here then, living like this? I threw her a smile that was more of a rictus and left. The paper bags bashed against my leg as I walked out of town, towards Carnation Drive. It was all so suburban, so boring. The mock-Tudor fronts, the two cars in the driveways, snow swept neatly up into piles. The boxy hedges, the paved drives. I was beginning to feel very tired, and also aware of a strong need to pee. Not now! I asked myself why I was doing this, what on earth could be gained by going to look at your house. I didn’t know. Just that something didn’t feel right, that I couldn’t accept you were dead and out of my life, not when I in all likelihood carried your child inside me, pressing on my bladder.

I didn’t know the house number so I looked for one with a red-leafed tree and paving. I found it, halfway down, a few leaves still clinging. Was this your house? It was so normal, so neat, the hedge trimmed, the paintwork fresh. Would you, so passionate and alive, live in a place like this? The door was black. The letter box and handle chrome. And there was a For Sale sign outside. No car.

For some reason, this had not occurred to me. Your wife – your widow – had obviously decided to move away. Too painful. Or maybe she was short of money, since you’d mentioned a few times she didn’t work.

The front door was opening! I almost keeled over. What if it was her, what if she guessed who I was? I pressed a hand to my chest, but it was an estate agent, of course. A woman in a trouser suit, with shiny bleached-blonde hair. I could see her little branded car now, parked in the street. A young couple were being shown out – the man had a baby strapped to his front. As I stood there, they walked past, casting me a curious look, and unlocked a people carrier parked nearby. The woman said to her husband, ‘Shame, it looked brighter in the pictures. What about that three-bed I sent you this morning?’