‘I’m fine,’ I said, with a firmness I didn’t feel, pushing away thoughts of the dead animal I’d found in my planter the day before, turned inside out, red and raw to the world. ‘Nora said it was a rabbit. Foxes, probably.’ At the time, I hadn’t thought that. I had thought it was Poppet – or a part of Poppet – eviscerated and left for me to find. By whoever was locking me out, playing music at me. Except that was all in my head, most likely. Nora probably thought I was pathetic, a city girl who couldn’t cope with the reality of country life. She had taken the thing away and buried it, while I blubbered on the doorstep. It was all getting too weird inside my head, and so today there was another lie to tell Nick, to explain why I needed money. ‘I heard they have a great birthing centre at Surrey General,’ I told him. ‘I just wanted to check it out, for comparison.’

He looked at me over his yoghurt and fruit. I didn’t normally get up to have breakfast with him, and I hadn’t realised how much of a health kick he was on, how little he ate these days. Fleetingly, I thought of the woman I’d imagined him on the phone to. ‘But you have your hospital all arranged. Is it even possible to move? Are we not in the wrong Trust area?’

‘I just want to see the place. You know, get the best for the little one.’ I hated myself saying that phrase, smoothing my hands over my stomach, but he nodded, softening.

‘Of course. It’s a good idea to make plans. Ask about their visiting policy, and what the threshold is for using the birth centre.’ He’d done so much reading up about the process, and I knew practically nothing. ‘They have a big IVF unit there. I looked at it, before, when it seemed like we might struggle. We don’t need it now, of course!’ We’d never even discussed IVF – he’d researched it? I wondered how far he could have got me down that path without me actually agreeing to it. Just like with the house. ‘Any word from the doctor about those blood tests, by the way?’ he said, standing up.

‘No.’ I had a vague idea I was supposed to ring up.

‘Well, give them a call to hurry them up. The sooner we get you sorted, the better.’

Meaning get me on to pills, I imagined. I forced a smile. ‘Sure. So I can have the money?’ I would have to go in to London on the train and catch another one out, since there was no public transport between the towns. Out here, not having a car was like being a prisoner.