When I stepped outside I felt hot and flushed, as if I’d just gotten away with something. As soon as the agent – I’d already forgotten her name – drove off, I stopped on the pavement and rooted in my bag for the thing from the cabinet. I saw it was an empty box of pills, in the name of Mrs Eleanor Sullivan.

I felt like I was going mad. You weren’t a doctor, you weren’t even called what you said you were called, you didn’t live where you said. Your wife was named Eleanor. I had her pill prescription in my bag.

When I arrived home in yet another taxi, the money Nick had left all but gone, I was relieved to see the house in darkness. Before leaving, I’d made sure to check I hadn’t turned anything on, no longer trusting myself. Nora’s house was also in darkness, and I didn’t see her familiar shape at the window, eyes shaded. Perhaps she was in the garden, though it was late. No strange music played this time, and I got the alarm code right. But the house was boiling, so much that I gasped for air. I went to the control dial, but it read nineteen. Nineteen! It should have felt cold. Maybe it was pregnancy, affecting my hormones. I stripped off my coat and jumper and T-shirt, leaving just a vest top that strained over my bump. I went to the studio and turned on the big Mac. The screen was so bright I had to shield my eyes. Then I started googling the name of the drugs your wife was taking. Quickly, I found what it was. A high-dose therapy for forms of psychosis. When I read that, I started to shake, although it was so hot. Oh God. Oh my God.

I needed to talk to someone, to say out loud what I had found, what I feared. Without really thinking it through, I was grabbing my jumper and moving to the front door. Ignoring Nick’s rules for once, I didn’t put my coat on or set the alarm – it was so close – but as soon as I stepped out, just the key jammed in my pocket, I felt the cold air bite into me. I dashed across the narrow road, looking left and right like Nick always nagged me to do, and for a split second I teetered on an icy patch, righting myself. I could just imagine what Nick would say if I had another fall.