Somehow I managed to cling on and, over time, the nightmares faded. The hospital promised to find her, but it never did, and a month after she died, Elliot, Ben and I finally said goodbye to Beth at a small memorial we held in St Leonard Church in Ipstones. Mrs Hughes came too, because she lived so close, but we told friends and family we would have a proper funeral once the body was recovered. This was just a ceremony that would allow Elliot and me to express our grief, say farewell, and begin the process of piecing together our shattered lives. Like repaired china vases, we would never be quite the same, and would carry blemishes for the rest of our days, but I owed it to Elliot to try my best to fix what had been broken.

I’d like to pretend I was the one with the strength to see that we needed to find a new normal, but it was Ben. After the service, we went up to the ridge and walked the ancient rock formations behind Longhaven. We were silent for a long time, and Elliot shuffled ahead of us with his head bowed and his hands in his pocket, as dejected as I’d ever seen him. Had the service finally convinced him she was never coming back?

I know I had trouble believing it. I saw her everywhere, even in the black peaty soil around us. She’d been an avid runner, much better than me, and we’d jogged these paths together. I could see her now, alive with the rugged beauty of the place, taking great enthusiastic breaths as her strong legs propelled her along. That’s how I wanted to remember her.

‘She used to love running up here,’ I remarked.

Ben sighed and gave a sad smile. ‘I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to start living again. There are things you need to do with your life.’

‘What things? What matters now? I can’t move on. The memories are all we have left,’ I replied pathetically. ‘If we don’t stay here, in this moment, they will fade and she doesn’t deserve that. We’re the only people keeping her alive. Up here.’ I tapped the side of my head, and then placed my palms over my chest. ‘And in here. The pain is unbearable, but I have to learn to cope with it. I have to stay in this moment, because if I move on, she’ll be gone. That’s how she’ll die. We’ll kill her by forgetting. Each day, we’ll think of her less, and soon we won’t know the sound of her voice, or the smell of her hair. We won’t be able to remember her face, she’ll just be a vague shape, then an idea, a thought, and finally just a name we think fondly of. I won’t do that to her.’

My voice had been rising throughout. ‘I can’t, Ben. Don’t make us.’

Looking back, it’s fair to say grief had made me mildly hysterical.