For the first time in a year, I think that maybe, one day, I’ll be able to get up there and sing with her again. Lucy and my mom are right—it’s time. It’s time for me to start living again—time for me to do something to remember Jordan. He always protected me; he was always there for me, even when I was pushing him away, and now it’s my turn to protect his memory, to do something to honor him in a real, significant way.

—

After the band finishes playing, everyone shuffles out into the backyard. I try to find Zach in the melee but don’t see him anywhere.

I wander out, following the stream of people, and find myself on the back patio, face to face with Miles. He sees me and stops, all nervous, like he doesn’t know what to expect out of my mouth, like I’m this loose cannon he’s afraid of. I can’t really blame him.

“Hey.” I speak first.

He nods at me, still silent, hands shoved deep into his pockets, eyes on the ground, avoiding my gaze.

I take a shuddery breath. “I’m sorry.”

He glances up, surprised.

God, this sucks. Being a human. Expressing things other than the anger that has been eating me from the inside for so long. I force myself to speak again. “I’ve been awful to you.” I shake my head. “It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t your fault.” I take a deep breath. Say the words that so many people have been saying to me for so long. The words I’m finally beginning to think could actually be true.

“It wasn’t anyone’s fault but his,” I say.

Miles is silent for a beat. The chatter of our classmates envelops us, and for a heartbeat it feels like we’re standing in a space apart from everyone else, like we’re back at the beginning, before everything ate away at us and turned us into monsters. We’re not the same people we used to be; no one here is. We’ll never be those people again, but I think maybe, just maybe, there’s hope that some of us will become better people than we were before.

Finally, he speaks. “Thank you.” He looks like he wants to say more, but someone calls his name from across the yard, and the moment passes. Before he walks away, he glances over at me. “You okay?”

I bite my lip. Nod. For the first time in forever, I might not be lying.

—

Miles leaves me standing there, alone again. I walk farther out into the yard and see that there are hundreds of white balloons spread out on Anne’s uncle’s huge sloping lawn. Anne’s in the distance, leading a few of my classmates from Carter around, barking orders, back to her old self. I smile at the sight.