“No. No. No…” I’m shaking so hard that my stool rattles against the linoleum floor. “That’s not what I meant. That’s not what I meant at all.” I force myself to stand. “I need to leave.” I look around for a guard, someone, anyone to help me. Help me. Tears blur my vision. I’m frozen in place. My knees buckle, and I’m forced to grasp the edges of the partition to keep my body upright.

“Please. May. Wait.” David reaches toward the Plexiglas again, and it’s like I’m back there in that closet, back there in the dark, and then that light peeks through and I think it’s Jordan’s face, but it’s not, and it never will be again.

My world turns black.

—

Zach and some giant man help me into the car. I’m limp. Floppy.

We’re driving.

Zach tries to talk to me, but his words don’t sound like English. I can’t concentrate enough to hold on to any of them.

My stomach roils. “Fuck.” I’m going to be sick. “Pull over.”

“What?” Zach throws me a questioning glance and registers the panic on my face. “Shit. Okay, okay. I need to find a spot…somewhere safe.” He glances in the rearview mirror and then over at me. “Hold on.” He twists the wheel sharply to the right and we skid onto the shoulder of the freeway, going way too fast.

He slams to a stop on an embankment and I jump out of the car, put my head between my knees. I retch, but nothing comes out. I haven’t eaten since I spilled the contents of my stomach into the toilet on Friday night. Tears stream down my face.

All I want is to be the girl I was last year, even though I was a mess, even though I was a shallow idiot who never considered the consequences of my actions. I want to be in my room, annoyed at Jordan because he’s spent the last four hours practicing his guitar without stopping. I want to be at one of those stupid parties with Jordan by my side, him bored, but refusing to leave until I agree to go with him. I want to be at the dinner table, not able to get a word in edgewise because my parents only care about what he has to say.

The one person at that table who cared about what I said was Jordan. And now he’s gone. The person who I shared a womb with, who I grew into a human with, who only ever wanted to be my friend, is gone.

Forever.

Because of me.