Granted, he could get someone on the outside to do it for him, that would be easy. But no: he wanted to reserve that pleasure for himself. Wipe her out, wipe her entire fucking family out, strike the O’Briens from the world.

Only then, would he feel at peace.

Only then, would he be truly free once again.

69

When they got back to the flat, Dora felt shattered. Looking at Donny’s closed-off face, his intense shuttered eyes, made her think that he felt the same. Seeing his mother and brother’s grave. Visiting his father, who didn’t even know him and who after a while had demanded they leave. James had shouted for the nurse to come and take these strangers away. It had been bad for her, nearly unbearable, but how must it have been for him? This was his life, and it was in tatters.

Once, he’d had a family. James, Susan and William. Dora had envied the Maguires for their uncomplicated closeness. The Maguires had clung to each other like a raft in a tempestuous ocean, them against the world. Now the Maguires were just him, Donny, all on his own.

Donny paid the babysitter and Dora hurried in to the baby, hearing Angel’s mewling cries, knowing she was hungry. She closed the door behind her, shutting him out with relief. She picked up the baby, cuddling her, crooning to her, and sat down in the chair next to the window where sunlight flooded in, and gave the child her breast. Angel fastened onto the nipple and sucked greedily and Dora relaxed, sighing, trying to push this morning’s happenings from her mind. For long peaceful moments she stroked the baby’s blonde head, kissed Angel’s brow.

It wasn’t my fault, she thought, over and over.

But that was a lie. She knew it was. No wonder he hated her so much. Who could blame him?

Then the door opened, and Donny came in.

Dora tensed, flushing red with embarrassment. ‘Oh!’ she burst out.

‘Don’t mind me,’ he said.

‘I’m feeding her,’ said Dora and thought instantly what a stupid thing to say. He could see what she was doing.

‘I know. Just carry on,’ he said, and sat down in the opposite chair.

‘I can’t,’ said Dora, flustered. ‘Not with you sitting there.’

‘Yeah you can.’

He was deliberately trying to embarrass her. And he was succeeding. ‘You’re a bastard,’ she said.

‘Is that the best you can do?’ He was smiling grimly, a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

Dora didn’t bother to answer that. He wanted some cheap thrill from watching her feed the baby? Wanted to ogle her tits? Well, let him. Fuck him.

He was silent for a long time, just watching Dora feeding Angel.

‘Christ, you look almost beautiful doing that,’ said Donny.

Dora squinted at him. What?

‘Like the Madonna and child. You seen those paintings?’

‘No. Our lot never went to church much. That’s a Catholic thing, isn’t it. Not C of E.’