Again.

I thought by now I’d have had another mission to complete but there hasn’t even been so much as a whisper of one.

I know Sarge has his reasons for the whole boredom thing. It’s a test that I have to pass just as much as the active missions but it’s been so long since I held a gun I’m scared I’ve forgotten what to do, or worse still, that I’ve lost my nerve. But so far, despite my protesting, Sarge shows no sign of budging.

He’s been acting weird the last few days too, which isn’t helping. Like this morning, for instance, I was mopping the floor in the Mess and he came and stood by the stove. He didn’t say anything, just stood there with his arms folded across his chest, looking at me. I thought he was about to tell me off for something so I stopped what I was doing, propped the mop against the table and asked him what I’d done wrong. He was quiet for a moment then he smiled and said, ‘You haven’t done anything wrong, pet.’

I was taken aback then. First, cos he called me pet, not Number 1, and he hasn’t done that for a long time, and second, because he sounded so sad. I’m used to Sarge’s moods. I’ve lived with them all my life so I have a good idea of them, how they alter and shift like the sand in the desert. There are the angry ones, the excited ones, the broody ones. Those ones are the most worrying for me cos he just goes inside himself like a hermit crab, sometimes for days on end, and I’m never sure when he’s coming back. When he does snap out of it he’s always altered, like he’s left a bit of himself behind wherever he’s been.

But today’s mood was different. I’d never seen him like that before. He was sad, but not in a brooding way. It was like he wanted to open up, to share whatever he was feeling inside.

I couldn’t concentrate on the mopping while he was standing there looking at me so I left the mop against the table and went to go out to the garden to collect some eggs. But when I got to the door Sarge put his hand out and told me to stay. His grip was so tight I knew I’d have to do as he said so I moved the mop and sat down at the kitchen table. Sarge stayed where he was, leaning against the stove.

I looked up at him as if to say, ‘Come on then, what do you want to talk about?’ but instead of giving me a list of instructions like he usually does he smiled and said, ‘You’re so much like your mother.’

His eyes went all watery then and for a moment I was scared. I’d never seen Sarge cry and I’m not sure I wanted to. He’s always in control and that makes me feel safe. Crying is weakness. That’s what he’s told me since I was a little kid. If a soldier cries, he’s lost it. Sarge didn’t look like he’d lost it though. And I liked the fact that he had mentioned my mother. He never talks about her usually, and I’ve always been scared to, especially after what happened when I found her photo. He’d got so angry then that I reasoned it was best to just keep her in my head.