Love.

Family.

Home.

That was all I ever wanted. All I ever needed. I just didn’t realize until it was too late.

I lift the blanket and give it a shake. Dust particles rise up into the air and I cough as they hit the back of my throat. Then I hear it. Knocking. It gets louder and louder and it takes me a few moments to work out that it’s coming from downstairs. It’s the front door. Someone is knocking on the front door. My heart lifts.

He’s come back. I knew he would.

I run to the door, open it wide, and as I hurtle down the stairs I make a silent promise that from now on things will be better, I will be a better person. I won’t complain or argue. I will be thankful for the family I have been given, for the person I love most in this world.

But it is a woman’s voice that greets me as I reach the front door.

‘Police. Open up.’

It’s a sharp, menacing sound that seems to slice through the heavy wooden door as I stand trembling behind it.

‘Stand back.’

There’s a pause followed by an almighty thud as the door is broken down and two uniformed officers – one male, one female – rush towards me and grab me by my arms.

It happens so quickly I barely have time to catch my breath, though as they lead me outside I manage to catch a few of their words.

And then, in those final moments before they take me away, it all makes sense. The silence. The blood. The nightmares.

I realize what has happened.

It was me.

I killed him.

PART ONE

1

Lisa

9 December 2018

Joe’s screams fill the car as we come off the motorway and make our way down a series of narrow and twisty country roads. I turn the radio up to its highest volume then grip the steering wheel, hoping that a bit of Little Mix might calm him down. I sing along too at the top of my voice and pretend that everything is perfectly normal, that we’re off on a fun festive trip, my little boy and me. I try not to think about Mark and what he’ll do when he finds out we’ve gone but his voice is everywhere. I can hear it in my head above the music, dripping with menace: You silly fucking bitch. What the hell have you done? I turn the music up but Mark’s voice merges with it. Behind me, Joe starts wailing.

‘Want Daddy. Want Daddy.’

My heart starts to pound, the familiar prelude to the panic attacks I’ve been getting recently. Turning the radio off, I slowly exhale, remembering the technique I learned at the mindfulness class they made me take.

In. Out. In. Out.

‘It’s okay, bubba,’ I say as the pounding subsides. ‘Mummy’s taking you on a big adventure. We’re going to the countryside where there’ll be sheep and cows and lots of fun things, and we’re going to stay in a beautiful house. You’ll like it, I promise.’