She knew he must have been attracted to and possibly unfaithful with men during their marriage. She had considered it in their intense and prolonged conversations into the early hours of the mornings. She was unable to think about it in detail, that was too much to bear, but his faithlessness, in her mind, was always away from the base, for obvious reasons, with dusky and beautiful long-lashed Indian youths. It had never once occurred to her that there might be other homosexuals in uniform.

‘Can you live your life in two compartments?’ Fleur had asked him.

‘You and the twins are my real life, so is the army and my flying. The other is peripheral and…occasional.’ Fleur had not yet met Fergus on the plane and she had said hesitantly, not believing she really could, ‘What if I…’

‘…Want to sleep with someone?’ His face had tightened.

‘Yes.’

‘I would hate it. It’s totally and completely unfair, but I would be devastated.’

Inwardly and immaturely, she had been thrilled. This was evidence of his love for her; his possession.

‘But this is how I feel about you, David. It is crucifying, but it won’t stop you…’

Round and round they had gone in desperate circles until slowly they had to let it go before the damage was terminal. They slid back into the life they had had and kept the secret distant and unspoken, almost as if it had never been, or might go away. If you were busy and you partied enough and loved and enjoyed the lives you shared, this was possible, for a time.

In their bed, David tried to please her, to make her happy in a far more conscientious way than he had before. He wanted to keep her there. Keep her his. But the shadow of what she knew came between the moments of intimacy and turned slyly into a thing of impurity and lasting sadness.

‘Then you met Fergus?’

‘Then I met Fergus. And he was fun too, and made me laugh and…’

Nikki smiled. ‘He was absolutely wild about you and remained so until the day he died.’

It was true. Fergus had been wild about her. ‘We all flirt and are attracted in a passing way to other men; it gives us a little fillip, it’s part of being alive and young. I suppose in my case the feeling was exaggerated because I had begun to doubt my self-worth, my own attraction. With Fergus, physically, it all fell into place like a jigsaw I’d known was possible but had never had. It is amazingly seductive to be an object of desire for an attractive and lovely man.’

‘So did you fall in love with him and out of love with Dad?’

Fleur shook her head slowly. ‘No. I never, ever stopped loving David. I never pretended to Fergus. I knew he loved me, but Fergus accepted I was married with two small children.’

‘But he wasn’t that honourable, coming on to you, was he? He was supposed to be one of Dad’s best friends.’