Richard (calls) Cephalic: length – 192.

Mary (to Christopher) God bless you and yours, Sir.

Richard (calls) Breadth – 148; height – 131.

Mary (to Christopher) You were always a –

Richard Quiet! (Calls.) Circumference – 554.

Perkins 554.

Richard (to Christopher) I never told you, did I, that I once saw a Brahmin widow commit suttee. (Calls.) Facial: length – 134; breadth – 139. Yes, way up in the foothills west of Calcutta. A typhoid epidemic in our station there and I went up to give them a hand. (Calls.) Nasal: length – 51; breadth – 33. Astonishing sight, the suttee business.

Perkins Sorry, Sir. Breadth?

Tommy 33, Perkins.

Richard First she distributed her jewels to the assembled mourners. Then, when her husband’s funeral pyre is blazing away merrily – keep your arms still! – up she scrambles to the very top of it, nimble as a goat, and immolates herself! Astonishing!

Tommy Bejaysus, you wouldn’t get a Lough Anna woman to do that!

Richard (calls) Ocular: internal – 30; external – 91. Whole grizzly spectacle lasted – what? – maybe half an hour.

Mary (to Christopher) Or if you had any old clothes, Sir –

Richard And the amazing thing is she never uttered a sound. (Tweaks Mary’s ear playfully.) You could learn a thing from her, couldn’t you? We banned the bizarre custom fifty years ago, but it persists in a few remote areas still.

Mary (to Christopher) If you had an old shirt or jacket, Sir –

Christopher Certainly – certainly – a pleasure.

Richard Get to your feet. Up – up – up! Not a whimper out of her. Drugged to the eyes with cannabis, I imagine. Had no idea what was happening. (Calls.) Height – 1702. Who will climb up on your pyre, Christopher? (Calls.) Hair – brown. Eyes – light grey. Next!

Christopher Well done, Mary. Talk to Margaret before you leave.

Mary God bless you and yours, Sir. God reward you as you deserve.

Richard You, boy!

Tommy steps forward.

Tommy You have the best of them now, boss.

Richard Have I indeed?

Tommy They don’t come any better than the virile Tommy Boyle. Set him before a six-foot wall and Tommy’ll clear it from standing still.

Christopher now sees Con Doherty.

Christopher Ah – another volunteer, Richard! Excellent! Welcome! Now that’s a face I do know. What a wonderful turn-out! Michael Doherty – am I right?

Con Almost, Mr Gore. Not Michael, Con. Con Doherty.

Richard (to Tommy) Arms out wide. Hands straight.

Christopher From the cottages behind Roarty’s forge? Of course!

Richard (calls) Span – 1513.

Con And how are you, Maggie?

Margaret (icily) Well.

Con Haven’t seen you for ages. (to Christopher) Maggie and I are cousins, you know.

Christopher I think I know that, don’t I? Another specimen, Dick.

Richard Yes? (Calls.) Cephalic: length – 186.

Christopher (to Richard) A friend from below in Ballybeg.

Con That’s young Tommy Boyle, isn’t it?

Tommy Hello, Con. The virile Tommy Boyle in person.