I have to keep going, reach the road. I feel the weight on my back slowing me down. But my heart is beating faster than I have ever felt it before: it is a single sensation now, a hum, firing up, getting ready.

I open my mouth, to let something out. The sound is sharp, biting, a ripping blare. I do it again.

~

The engine is starting again now, it might be faster even than me. There is no time to get beyond, only this place, a church, a tower, bells that ring out. There are steps, easy for me, the engine stopping outside, the voices. I am above them, my breath coming ragged, in scraps.

At the top, a door with a sign, a warning. I open it, open a path right onto the day. The whole village is laid out, just as I see it in my mind. The streets, the motorway, the creeping start of the town.

I can see it all: the way I thought I would live. The people I spent my days with.

Somewhere out there: her house. My house. Paddy. Ted. Jake.

~

There are shouts downstairs, steps getting closer.

And here: I am gripping the edge of the stone.

I crouch. Pull my head in, look around. I move to the very edge, keeping my eyes fixed on the distance.

I look towards the light.

I take off.

Acknowledgments

Thank You

To the brilliant women who nurtured and helped to shape this book meticulously at every stage: my agent, Emma Paterson, and editors Charlie Greig, Sophie Jonathan, Katie Raissian and Elisabeth Schmitz. Team Harpy: what incredible luck to work with you all.

To Camilla Elworthy, Lucy Scholes, Paul Baggaley, John Mark Boling, Deb Seager, Morgan Entrekin, Lisa Baker, Lesley Thorne, Anna Watkins and all at Picador, Grove Atlantic and Aitken Alexander who’ve shown such faith in my writing.

To earliest readers and cherished friends: Rebecca Sollom and Kaddy Benyon. To a (shed) builder of the highest order: Nicholas Sabey. To my parents, Penny and Ernie, for their constant kindness and encouragement.

Finally, to my husband and children, who do not feature in this book and yet helped me to write it in endless ways. With huge love and gratitude: Tim, Leo, Sylvie.

Back Cover