Chapters (52)
I put my foot on the accelerator and held it there, sensing the speed build in my chest, its force beginning to flatten me against my seat. As we sped up I could feel, rather than hear, the quiet taking over the back seat. Without looking, I could tell that Paddy was back in his belt now, looking straight ahead. Only when I got right to the end of the street did I lift my foot, slightly, begin to slow down. And only when I heard nothing for a number of seconds – only a smooth silence – did I check on them, seeing their faces watery and still in the mirror, neither returning to daydreams, or to fighting, but staring ahead, their eyes misted, unreadable.
~
She is a bad mother, people might say.
But: Is a mother a human? they might ask. Or: only human-shaped, every limb in the right place?
~
31
31
I met David Holmes in a restaurant I had never been to before: it had always seemed like a place you would have to dress up for, to wear the clothes widows wore in slick American dramas: tight dresses cinched in with a belt, sheer tights, patent leather stilettos. There was no occasion on which I could imagine booking this place: no birthday or anniversary that would make me seek its cream walls, the chic houseplants which covered its windows, making it impossible for passers-by to watch patrons eat.
David had specified the place and the time: I had left it open for this, for him to be in control. It had already seemed enough, to send it –
Okay. When? L
– in the middle of another sleepless night, the unslept hours like a black ocean around me, the bed a flimsy, rocking raft in the darkness. In the morning, I had to check that I had actually sent it, that I hadn’t – as I’d done so many times before – simply stroked the message, left it in its place. I had never deleted it, liked to come back to it when my mind was particularly restless, when I feared my thoughts could burst from me, escape into the plain air beyond the window. They stilled me, these words: they made me pause.
He didn’t reply for a number of hours. He had given up hoping, perhaps, regretted sending a message in the first place. Or he was just busy. Working. I tried to imagine him in a white lab coat, or in a busy lecture theatre, in front of a hundred students. But it was too difficult: he was only available in still frames, holding a glass of cheap faculty wine, taking a sip, making a small, polite expression of disapproval.