‘Ladies!’ hollers our new self-defence teacher, a blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman who used to be on TV and calls herself the Ninja Trainer. ‘I’m going to teach you to use your natural feminine strengths to defeat attackers who are bigger! And heavier! Than you! Get into sparring pairs!’

I’ve read that ‘In the Unlikely Event’ email three times and I’m pretty sure peeing myself will not be considered a natural feminine strength.

I put up my hand. ‘Why do we have to learn to defend ourselves? Maybe men should have classes about not assaulting and killing us?’

But my voice gets lost in the chaos of everyone trying to pair off for the ticklefest and I consider going over to Mrs Benjamin to ask her, but I can see that Audrey is already monopolising Benjo’s attention to complain about the Ninja Trainer’s name on the grounds of cultural appropriation.

A wide circle devoid of all human lifeform has opened up around me, but luckily I find Petra hiding behind the vaulting horse.

‘You are the Chosen One!’ I say, but instead of looking ecstatic, as she well should be, Petra looks terrified. She’ll change her tune. I’m a natural actress and she’s really going to benefit from fending off my believable attacks.

Chloe from my Art class has been left with no partner, so when Audrey finishes complaining to Mrs Benjamin she comes over to try and manipulate the pairings.

‘Can we switch so I can go with Petra and you go with her?’ Audrey asks me. Rude.

‘Absolutely not,’ I say. ‘And she has a name, by the way; it’s Chloe.’

Chloe is tall and big and broad like an Amazon, with long long hair down to her butt and square black glasses. I suspect she’s good-looking under those two things, but you’d never know it. Audrey, on the other hand, looks like a movie star from the silent era. Her natural setting is a satin-sheeted boudoir where two half-naked manservants fan her with palm leaves. I’m positive Chloe can take her. I sincerely hope she sits on Audrey’s face repeatedly.

White Ninja has us doing warm-ups, then drills, then combat situations. Petra and Audrey gaze across the two-metre gap between them with yearning, although surely trying to beat up your best friend isn’t great, right? They should thank me, truly.

Mrs Benjamin leans against the climbing wall and everything in her body language indicates her extremely low expectations.

I prove her completely wrong by pinning Petra against the wall before she even has a chance to yelp.

‘You win, you win!’ she gasps.

‘Balls, Petra.’ I release her and point to my eyeballs and then my groin. ‘Balls and balls. I had you easily. If you don’t find a way to get pissed off, you’ll find yourself tied up in someone’s van.’