Bea says I shouldn’t need to earn his love. He should give it. Unconditionally. Even if I’m his worst nightmare – like she is to her parents (she said that, not me, she’s not a nightmare – but her parents love her to bits).

I’ve never really judged Dad. I hate that he flirts his way through life because it hurts Mum. It’s selfish, it’s cruel, and a buzzing in my head tells me that Noah is right – he’s a shit. Because he’s not just flirting, he’s actually not always very nice. Even though everybody thinks he is. I used to think he was. So whilst one little buzzy voice (which is getting quieter by the day) is saying he’s okay, he just can’t help himself so, it’s not entirely his fault, there is another, louder buzz telling me it is his fault, and he could just ACT NORMAL. And another buzzy voice is telling me that maybe I’ll never be good enough, because he keeps moving the ‘good enough’ bar so he’s got an excuse to never be ‘good enough’ himself.

I’m confused and torn. My dad is a part of me. I can never quite not believe what he says to me. That’s what love does to you, isn’t it?

Noah is not a part of me though. And am I being stupid putting him in the same categories I’ve been measuring my dad against?

If he’d just settle down, let himself have a proper relationship, then maybe I’d know what type of man he is. Except then I wouldn’t be happy, I know I wouldn’t; I don’t want to see Noah exit my life because he’s madly in love.

Arghhh.

More to the point, because my head really isn’t up to finding answers right now, how can he be so cross that I flirted? I am supposed to flirt! It was part of the lesson.

‘At least let me help you before your date, even if you brush me off after? Still on for tomorrow night? N x’

‘How can I say no? R x’

I can’t actually. The thought of a possible date, with a very nice guy, should be making me less desperate to see Noah. But he’s like a drug. I don’t want to stop seeing him. Maybe Steve will cure me of that. If he ever texts.

‘Glad I’m still irresistible! N x’

I can’t help but smile. We’ve been bickering like brother and sister, or a couple in a relationship, and falling out with Noah leaves me feeling anxious. I want to be friends. He’s the one person (well, the one male person) in my life who has been there to help me find a date. Okay, he’s been there even more than that. I have started to rely on him. I chat to him more than I chat to anybody else.

Oh my God, I’m not using him like some kind of father substitute, am I? Don’t they say women go after a man who reminds them of their dad – and in my case I’m doing that, even though I’m hoping like hell he’s a modified and improved version.