As if.

Anyway, Noah is a problem for later.

‘Nice T-shirt!’ It isn’t actually, it is naff particularly given the circumstances, but saying this stops me punching him in the mouth or calling him a two-timing bastard. I smile sweetly. My face is stiff and my teeth are gritted. ‘I want to thank you.’

‘Really?’ Gavin smiles slightly nervously.

‘If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have met Noah.’ He glances at Noah, who has followed me over, rather furtively. ‘Or realised that dating apps are a crap way of meeting people.’

‘Haha, really? Have to disagree there, that’s how I met my wife.’

‘And it’s how you nearly met me.’ My smile is so fixed my face is about to crack. I can feel the fault lines forming.

‘Ah, I don’t think we’ve met, have we?’ He peers closer, then grins. ‘Aha, in the park earlier! We’ve not met properly and been introduced though?’

‘Not quite.’ I hold up my phone. ‘Though we got pretty darned close.’ My dramatic moment is slightly marred by the fact that my fingers are actually trembling. Which riles me even more, how dare he make me tremble!

Gavin makes a move to the left as though he’s going to leave, but Noah puts out a hand.

‘I think you should see this, mate.’

‘Yes, Gabe,’ I say, holding my phone up so he can see himself, and his wonderful smile. ‘Great photo, isn’t it? Really good likeness.’

‘Oh shit, I’ve been cloned!’

‘Oh.’ This thought hadn’t occurred to me, and my stomach takes a dive. Oh my God, have I unfairly accused an innocent man? Shit, in front of his friends!

Then I look at his face. All the colour wouldn’t have drained from his cheeks if he didn’t know exactly what I was talking about. His hand is shaking slightly as he hands my phone back to me. To give him credit, he’s a quick thinker. Although I suppose he had been prewarned by Gemma.

‘Really?’ I try and sound concerned. ‘Oh wow, that’s awful! Isn’t that terrible, Noah? Let’s work out who it is who’s done it and you can confront him.’

‘It doesn’t …’

‘It’s terrible, isn’t that fraud or something? I know!’ I punch the air. ‘I’ve got it. I can arrange to meet him, and you can tag along, and we can tell the police. Like a honey trap! A bastard trap! I mean, this kind of thing can get you in all kinds of trouble. Hang on, hang on a sec I’ll message him right now and—’

‘Stop.’ His face is stony, but his voice is low and he’s looking round anxiously.

I stop pretending. I never have been good at keeping an act up for long. ‘If you don’t admit this to your wife, Gabe, Gavin or whatever you’re called, then I will!’

‘Why don’t you just fuck off home, Gav, and sort your mess out?’ The deep voice makes me jump. I spin round and a slightly chubby, average height guy with mussed up hair and tired eyes smiles at me. ‘He’s not worth getting worked up about.’