Those days her baking turns out and she feels connected to Robbie, who still needs her desperately, from a wordless place in his small body, and who hangs and drags and claws against her until she lets him in, which some days she feels open and strong enough to do and which some days she is sure will destroy her. But some days Robbie practices his letters and they walk to the park and they joke with one another, and Antonia can see in his flawless face the man who will emerge, strong and sweet like his father, like his grandfather.

Those days she reads, in the patch of light that pours like liquid gold into their kitchen from ten to eleven in the morning as the sun passes overhead. She comes back to herself as the shadow of the next building over crosses onto her page and she feels exquisitely raw and preternaturally strong in those moments.

Those days she calls Sofia and Sofia is home, and she might go over there with Robbie, and drink coffee or wine with Sofia, and watch the sticks of dynamite that have replaced their children go spinning and spinning around the apartment, and she and Sofia might have an hour where because they are together, they can access themselves as children, and they can imagine themselves as old women. Paolo thinks maybe when Robbie starts school full-time, I might look into classes at the college, Antonia says. And so when Sofia responds, I am hoping to be able to take on more work, then, Antonia is having such a good day she does not respond, you leave Julia with me so often it’s as though she’s in school already. And as they leave, Antonia might be able to catch Julia and hold her close and smell her and look in her eyes and see Sofia flashing around their crinkled corners when Julia squeals and tries to get away.

Those days she starts dinner on time and the kitchen is filled with steam and spice, and Paolo rumbles in as she’s chopping and slides his hands around her and pushes his face through her hair to her neck, and Antonia leans into his weight and feels warm electricity pulse down from Paolo’s mouth through the center of her body.

A different life does not enter Antonia’s thoughts.

But of course, the veil between different lives is thin. The alternate path is there. It is creeping up on Antonia; it is catching her scent. And soon, she won’t be able to escape it.

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