Sitting here, my head aches but I’m not sure I have any ibuprofen in my purse. I’m thinking that it was smart of me to choose the table closest to the door of the coffee shop, in case I need to get away quickly. Or if he needs to. This little place in the middle of Edgewood? Another good choice—it’s neutral and not the least bit intimate. I’ve been here only a few times, but it’s my favorite coffeehouse in Atlanta. The seating is pretty limited—just about ten tables—so I guess they want to encourage a quick turnaround. There are a couple of Instagram-worthy features, like the succulent wall and the clean black-and-white tile behind the baristas, but overall, it’s quite austere. Harsh gray and concrete everywhere. The whistle of an espresso machine. Loud blenders mixing kale and whatever fruit is trendy.

There is a single door: one way in, one way out. I look down at my phone and wipe my palms on my black pants. Another stain. I need to get my shit together.

Will he hug me? Shake my hand? Is he preparing for our reunion obsessively, the way that I am? Did he toss and turn like I did, thinking about what to say and how to present himself? The new awkward. Mature and like I’ve gotten my shit together, that’s who I want him to think I am. A better version of the girl he knew so well.

I can’t imagine him shaking my hand and using such a formal gesture. Not with me. But maybe he’s just as anxious as I am, maybe his head is spinning with memories and regrets like mine? He isn’t even here yet and my heart is pounding in my chest. For about the fourth time today, I can feel the panic bubbling just below my rib cage, and it pisses me off that I can’t control the physical effect he has on me. It pisses me off even more that he will probably walk in completely calm and steady, his own version of masking. I have no idea which mood of his I’ll get today, controlled or turbulent? Will he bring up the one thing I don’t want him to? I haven’t seen him since last winter and I don’t even know who he is now. And really, did I ever?