‘I must insist that you stop,’ protested Nelson, holding out his arms to keep them apart. ‘Perhaps your disagreement could be resolved with a calm conversation.’

‘Fuck off,’ said one of the men, elbowing him in the jaw. Nelson stumbled over and tasted blood from where his lower teeth had collided with the inside of his mouth.

‘This is very bad behaviour,’ he cried. ‘Both of you, stop it now!’

‘Arrest them, Nelson!’ shouted Shane, rubbing his hands together in glee.

‘Oh yes, that’s a good idea. Gentlemen, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to place you both under arrest.’

He pulled a set of handcuffs from the belt around his waist but, the moment he did so, the chain connecting them proved so flimsy that it broke apart in his hands. He noticed a small sticker on the back that said For children’s use only.

‘Oh,’ he said, disappointed.

The fight continued and Nelson considered retreating to his seat, but Shane was looking at him with such excitement on his face that he didn’t want to let him down. There was only one thing for it, he decided, and that was to throw himself into the mêlée, at which point the two men briefly joined forces, picking him up by his arms and legs and tossing him across the room like a Raggedy Ann before continuing with their fight. Nelson lay on the ground as two police officers – real police officers – charged into the restaurant and made their way quickly towards them, pulling the two men apart and subduing them without difficulty, handcuffing them where they lay on the ground. It was all over with such little fuss that even Nelson felt like applauding.

‘You all right?’ asked one, reaching down and offering a hand to Nelson, who stood up and nodded, brushing bits of food from his trousers.

‘What the hell are you wearing?’ asked the other, looking him up and down with a bewildered expression on his face. ‘Is it dressing-up day down your manor or something?’

‘Jesus, Nelson!’ said Shane, rushing forward and throwing his arms around him. ‘I thought they were going to kill you. Thanks, Officers,’ he said, turning to the two policemen. ‘I suppose it’s always easier in pairs. Nelson’s off duty right now, that’s why he’s on his own.’

‘Who’s Nelson?’ asked the first officer.

‘I’m Nelson,’ said Nelson.

‘Off duty from what?’

‘From, you know, from the police,’ said Shane.

The two policemen looked at Nelson, before turning to each other and bursting out laughing.

‘You can’t be serious,’ said one.

‘Of course I’m serious,’ said Shane.

‘Leave it, Shane,’ said Nelson.

‘That’s not even a proper uniform. Look at it! If I threw a match at him, he’d go up in flames.’

Shane turned to his boyfriend, who looked at him uncertainly. Nelson could practically see the veil falling from his eyes. ‘You are a policeman, aren’t you?’ he asked nervously.

‘Of course I am.’

‘Are you?’