‘Well, no, not quite,’ admitted Nelson.

‘What does not quite mean?’

‘Hold on, hold on,’ said the second officer. ‘Are you going around impersonating an officer? Because if you are, that’s a criminal offence.’

‘As far as we were aware, he is a policeman,’ said Susan, marching over now with all the determination of one of America’s Next Top Models out on a go-see at Calvin Klein. ‘That’s what he told us anyway.’

‘What’s your name?’ asked the officer.

‘My name?’

‘Yes, your name. You do know it, I assume.’

‘My name,’ said Nelson, looking back and forth with a smile on his face, ‘is Michael Caine.’

Everyone stared at him.

‘You’re claiming to be Michael Caine?’ asked the policeman.

‘No, that was … that was a joke. It’s Nelson Cleverley. That’s my name.’

‘All right, Nelson Cleverley, so let’s clear this up. Are you or are you not a member of Her Majesty’s Metropolitan police force?’

‘Do I have to answer that?’

‘You do, yes.’

‘Well, strictly speaking, no, I’m not,’ admitted Nelson.

‘Then why are you dressed like one?’

‘The thing is,’ he said, realizing he had no choice but to come clean. ‘I went to a speed-dating session earlier in the week. That’s where I met Shane.’

‘Who’s Shane?’

‘I’m Shane,’ said Shane, raising a hand.

‘And I was dressed like a policeman because it made me feel more confident, but then we hit it off and I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t a policeman after all, so I stuck with it.’

‘Wait,’ said Shane, looking aghast. ‘Do you mean you’ve been lying to me from the start?’

‘I didn’t set out to lie,’ he said. ‘It just sort of happened.’

‘Fuck you!’

‘Shane!’

‘No, I mean it. Fuck you! What a shitty thing to do!’

‘It’s not just a shitty thing to do,’ said the officer, taking another pair of handcuffs from his belt and snapping them on to Nelson’s wrists; this pair, unlike his own, was quite solid, ‘it’s also illegal. Which means that you, my friend, are under arrest.’

‘No!’ cried Nelson as his arms were dragged behind his back. ‘I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I’ll take it off right now, if you like, even though I don’t have anything to change into. I’ll throw the uniform away when I get home, I promise.’

‘Not good enough. You can’t go around impersonating an officer. It’s a criminal offence.’

‘But I’ve applied!’ cried Nelson in a beseeching tone. ‘I’m waiting to hear back about the date for my interview. So, in a way, it’s only a matter of time.’

‘Well, I can assure you that there’ll be no interview now,’ said the policeman, leading him towards the door. ‘We’ll look into your application when we get back to the station.’

‘And what will happen to it?’

‘It’s not obvious?’ asked Susan, who looked delighted to have her brother back. ‘It’ll be cancelled.’