His second and third marks had behaved much like his first, so he quickly upped his ask to £2,000, then £5,000. Less than a year in, he’d managed to earn £35,000 in cash. If he continued like this, he figured he could earn enough in ten years to live comfortably for the rest of his life without ever having to work. And all it took was a night or two out every week in a nice bar or restaurant, making small talk with a lonely older man. There were worse ways to make a living, after all.

THE CLOSET DOORS

Afterwards, Elizabeth lay on her bed for a little while, staring at the ceiling, without a single interesting thought passing through her mind, rousing herself only when a knock came on her door. Sitting up, she watched as it slowly opened, and her older brother looked inside.

‘Nelson,’ she said. ‘What’s up?’

‘Actually, I was looking for Dad.’

‘Well, he’s not in here.’

‘Or Mum.’

‘Also absent without leave. They were downstairs an hour ago, if that’s any help.’

‘Well, they’re not there now. And then I knocked on Achilles’ door, but it looks like he’s gone out.’

‘So basically, you’re stuck with me.’

‘Yes. Well, I tried the tortoise, but he gives nothing back.’

She beckoned him forward and made room for him on the bed. ‘I don’t like that tortoise,’ she said, crossing her arms defensively. ‘Do you remember when we were children and we begged Mum and Dad for a dog, and they point blank refused?’

‘I suppose we could get one now that we’re adults.’

‘I’ve lost interest,’ said Elizabeth. ‘I can’t even remember what breed I wanted.’

‘It was a guide dog,’ said Nelson. ‘Achilles offered to poke your eyes out, if it would help.’

‘Oh, that’s right. I liked the little yellow coats they wear. And they’re so well behaved when they’re standing by traffic lights. Imagine, Mum and Dad said no to a guide dog and yet now there’s a reptile living downstairs. It’s ridiculous. Anyway.’ She sighed and glanced across the room at her laptop, wondering whether she’d left her Twitter page open, but the screen had gone into sleep mode. ‘What did you want to talk about?’

‘Dr Oristo,’ he said quietly. ‘She’s retiring.’

‘Is that all?’ asked Elizabeth. ‘I thought it was something serious.’

‘This is serious.’

‘You liked her, then?’

‘I trusted her.’

‘Was she helping you?’

‘I think so.’

‘Did she manage to figure out what’s wrong with you?’

Nelson shrugged. ‘It’s a range of things,’ he explained. ‘Social anxiety. Crippling shyness. Unresolved issues from childhood bullying. Fear of women.’

‘I’m a woman.’

‘You’re my sister. You don’t count. You’re basically invisible to me.’

‘Fair enough. What else?’

‘My inability to interact with others in a normal way. The uniforms.’