Guilt pushed his lips together: this infidelity after Roslyn’s death touched so many emotions. He blew out that other shaft of guilt that he had lived with since his wife had become comatose. So many, many emotions and he seemed to have lost the good ones. Like humour. Joy. Anticipation. He could barely remember when he’d last experienced those feelings, and yet in one night with Ava he’d felt them all.

Memories of the accident still made him shudder with regrets and he just wanted peace.

Peace from loss.

Peace from survivor’s guilt.

Peace from wondering what he could have done differently.

After twelve months of being suspended in a horrible limbo, he’d decided to spend a month as a locum in Alice Springs to lose himself in remote medical care. Last month, on his first posting as a fly-in, fly-out emergency doctor, those four weeks in Weipa Hospital hadn’t brought peace. Quite the opposite, in fact, but that had worked. At times frantic and crazy with emergencies, alongside challenging and stimulating chaos with the remote location and the lack of services, Weipa had at least made him feel alive.

Hopefully the next month at Alice Springs, a post his friend George had suggested as not quite so isolated, would be equally restorative and he’d be able to go back home with a fresh perspective and positive energy.

He hadn’t realised his resilience had been so badly eroded by the drawn-out nature of Roslyn’s death. And the heart-wrenching strain of sitting opposite his wife’s broken-hearted parents for so many hours at her bedside. He hoped to hell he’d never have to watch a child of his wither away and die without waking, and the thought of ever again being responsible for another person’s wellbeing in that way made him shudder.

Which was a good reason not to see Ava May again. Don’t get involved.

He’d spoken to women on flights before, had laughs even, but never, ever had he connected like he had instantly with the blue-eyed, blonde-haired Ava May. To the point of shock. And never had he invited a strange woman back to his place and rocked the earth like they had done last night. Never had he lost himself so completely in another person. And felt that joy. Ever.

Hence the guilt.

It was as if their stars had collided and their mutual gravitational forces had snapped together, despite what was in their pasts or futures. Melded, for one short night. But that was ridiculous. He’d come here to get away from emotion.

He wanted peace, remember?

To remain isolated and insulated from others.

Just a FIFO locum, using his skills to the max and forgetting about Sydney and all the trauma it held while the house sold. The plan was to shake the exhaustion that was bone-deep from twelve months of grieving.

Then Ava had happened.