My brain shuts down. I stare. I don’t know what any of it means. This is what I feared in asking for a tutor at a place like Dartmouth. The tutors assume I have a baseline foundation of knowledge, which I don’t have. I know they can’t catch me up for the years I’m behind, but I can’t meet them anywhere near what they’ve learned and been exposed to. Maybe Stephen was right. I start to wonder if I really deserve to be here and if I’m really as smart as I thought. Mr. Walsh, whose shadow is never far, grins from the basement of my mind like Pennywise in the sewer. I remember all the people from Cleveland who said I was intelligent. I wish they were here now.

Zach’s dead eyes wait for some signal of life from me. “Do you get what I’m saying?” he repeats after several seconds of silence.

“Actually,” I say while grabbing my backpack, “I was thinking I’d go home and brush up on the basics and then come back tomorrow. I just returned from my freshman hike and I’m still pretty tired. Thanks for your time, though.”

“OK, yea, sweet,” he says. “We’re open from eight a.m. to eight p.m., so you can just stop by anytime.”

I wish Zach would try harder to get me to stay. I know I should be here, but I just need someone who will be sympathetic to my situation. Zach bounces away, and with him, so do my hopes of catching up. I decide I will ask Earnell and Keli about their tutors. Maybe they can help me too.

Though I’m a little shaken after the tutoring session, I’m still hopeful from my time in nature and I’m especially looking forward to getting ice cream with Bryce tomorrow after Bible study. I’ve never wanted Tuesday, a not particularly remarkable day, to arrive so fast in my life.

I pace nervously around my dorm room. I know I need to study, but I’m too excited. I’m standing in front of the bathroom mirror giving myself a pep talk when I hear Manda Panda come bouncing in. I have so much energy coursing through my body, I run out to greet her and give her a hug. “I’m so happy to see you,” I say.

“What’s gotten into you?” She pulls away confusedly. “Wait… did you finally drink the gin and juice? Did it give you liiife?” I nod my head, even though I haven’t. “Ahhhh!” she starts screaming and hugging me while we both jump up and down in glee in the middle of the room.